Friday, July 10, 2009

My Tuesday Playgroup

Hi my Tuesday Playgroup (as how I always describe you all)....

It is 1am and I am trying to catch up after a long day at work... I just saw this email and the photos... I burst into tears because I am just so touched.... that you took the time to do this.... I so needed this...

We went to Yosemite for 3 days...majestic and grand with nature and it was a good way to spend the 8th that way with Matthew and the 3 grandparents and John. I biked and hiked and tried to in my darkest secret imagining how tall and how Ryan would have looked today at 8.5 yrs. old but I just couldn't imagine it...

John and the grandparents went to Ryan's resting place before our trip. I just couldn't go... as much as you and everyone think I am so courageous, etc... i just gave myself every excuse not to go to his resting place. I just didn't want to go because I do not have the courage to stand in front of the grave and strip down my emotions.

Six years and I am supposed to deal with it better but dealing better means I find a way to protect my feelings and not let myself to feel that deep painful wounds.

It was just wonderful to see you at the Ride, year after year whenever you can... despite in your biased opinion that it is a fun event.... John and I planned this event with such intensity and we appreciate seeing familiar faces there. Unfortunately, many folks who are new in our lives or in Matthew's lives will not understand the significance of this Ride as they have never personally met Ryan.

So... I looked at the photos....then I thought, why did the kids have blue and green balloons...then I scrolled down and then it sank in... I just didn't expect that. Thank you.... with love.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Thank you for being there for Ryan's Ride

We had 667 children crossed the finish….all happy and smiling... with a few tears, of course. We heard stories on and on from children which I want to share with you all.

• “Mom, I came in 3rd but I passed many people”

• “My legs were so tired after the first lap because I started out in the back of the group and I pedaled so fast to move to the front.”

• “I came in first and I got a medal!”

• Then it was moments like a father pinning up a race number for the daughter; a parent watching the adult race with their son. It was truly a moment where families were engaging with one another.

• It was a celebration for a 5 year old to finish the whole lap on her training wheels for the first time as last year she only rode on the 200 meter dash. She was not the last one as the clown was following behind her. She struggled but was cheered by the audience as she rode toward the finish.

• An avid cyclist was beamed with joy as he saw his 8 year old being the first to cross the finish. It was a “Like Father, Like Son” moment. . It was a moment for this father to share the joy with his son of racing on a bike. The son has not stopped talking about training more so he is ready for next year’s Ryan’s Ride.

• Then, Matthew, our son and Ryan’s twin brother told me that this was his best Ryan’s Ride ever. He thought he strategically rode his best as he was coached by Jim Ochowicz while he was on riding. Jim was a two-time Olympic cyclist who also coached Lance Armstrong.

So much intensity went into the planning of the ride but at the end watching the smiles of these children champions is just priceless.

With the help of 225 volunteers, we created a safe, fun and memorable experience that these children will be remembered by for years to come.

Monday, June 15, 2009

6th Annual Ryan's Ride

We are in full mode planning Ryan’s Ride, six times around. The 6th annual Ryan’s Ride is around the corner again, on Sunday, June 28, 2009.

Matthew is now a happy and social 2nd grader. He enjoys playing with friends, riding his bike, hanging out with dad and has grown fond of whatever sports he is in for that season…lacrosse, baseball and soccer. The other night he was asking me if Ryan was alive whether they would be in the same class. So I told him that they would properly be separated because public schools generally separate twins. So Matthew said they would properly play together at recess and they would get along very well as brothers and would not fight like other siblings. Wondering the what-ifs is always a reminder that our family dynamic is not a norm. Ryan, Matthew’s brother and our son weaves into our family differently than like most families but he continues to be very present in our daily lives.

Six times around, I wonder if the children riders are still going to be excited about this ride. Would the parents be willing to bring their children to the ride on an early Sunday morning? Would the volunteers be willing to help out again year after year? How many first time families participating have never learned about the reason for Ryan’s Ride? I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about the planning of the event. At times, I feel the hard work is so worth it to see the excitement of hundreds of children champions. At other times, I remind myself sadly that the Ride exists because my son died.

Ryan’s Ride is the representation of a love that a mom and dad have for the child they have lost. And through that love, it has become a community event from the wonderful commitment of dedicated volunteers, and businesses, friends and family who continue to give their time on top of their everyday responsibilities. The success of the event represents Ryan’s spirit. To many, it is just another activity to do. To us, it is so very personal. Matthew’s answer to a homework assignment: What do you think makes a good community? His answer: “Things that make a good community is by helping each other, being nice to each other and sharing.” Perhaps Ryan’s Ride gives many of us the opportunity to do just that.

This year, due to the economic downturn, we have lost a couple of significant sponsorships this year. Our goal is to raise $50,000 this year. So far, we have close to $19,000 of corporate sponsorship. We hope to raise $10,000 from pledges and we hope to bridge the remaining difference through donations from friends and families. Your donations to the Lance Armstrong Foundation have resulted in providing support, information and services to cancer survivors. Through your support, Ryan’s legacy lives on providing wonderful memories for families and their kids with the simple joys we all have of riding a bike. We are also touched by the stories we hear of other children’s own stories of riding in honor or memory of a loved one who are and have faced life challenges.

Every dollar counts. Please help what you can.

We hope to see your children pedal along with Matthew at Ryan’s Ride, 6th time around on Sunday, June 28th. Thank you again for your continued support….it truly means so much to our family.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Seasons Change People Change

Our friends are like different parts on a wheelchair I am sitting in… I am on the wheelchair because I felt handicapped since Ryan's death. The wheelchair helps to keep me moving since my handicap.... But the wheelchair's parts are falling off... I am not used to losing those wheelchair parts.

Eventually, this handicapped person needs to tell herself, do not count on anyone but yourself to learn to walk again. Seasons change, people change. Ultimately, it is what is internal to keep one strong. It really has to come from within, not to rely on other sources....

You go through the darkest time with someone but eventually, they feel their ministry is complete and their life moves on. They are no longer on the same page as you. It is yet another deep sense of loss. I just have to remind myself that this is how life is. Season change, people change. Just accept that.