Wednesday, November 30, 2005

3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Request

We are in Washington DC spending Thanksgiving with John’s family. It is our first in two years. For Christmas, we decided that we would spend Christmaswith my sister and my brother in law in Hong Kong.

The holidays are extremely delicate period for us. We try to plan in advance to ensure we feel some peace during a vulnerable time. This year will be our third holidays in Ryan’s absence. Although we have learned to adapt to our new lives, we miss our boy and wonder how he would have blossomed now. Come the boys’ 5th birthday on December 15th, the time we have spent without Ryan will be longer than the time we had him.

Ryan has given John and I a gift – the gift of living in the presence and the gift of gratefulness. We no longer need to search for what we don’t have, what will make us happier. Ryan has reminded us that we should only be happy now and be grateful of what we have now because in a blink we can lose what we should have treasured. Of course we live with a hint of sadness that represents our loss of Ryan.

Through living in the presence, we enjoy and live so authentically through Matthew. Matthew is a delight. He often tells me that, “Mama, this is my choice.” And I told myself, “Good for him.” Our little boy who used to follow the shadow of Ryan has broken out of his shell and has blossomed into a confident little boy.

As the boys’5th birthday is approaching, we will organize our third annual Angel Ryan Project. We hope you can continue to support us to donate gifts in Ryan’s honor. Matthew and I will go shopping on December 5th….He understands that we are shopping for the children who are less fortunate and each gift
purchased is used to remember Ryan. Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid-Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on December 8th.

Last year, we collected 150 gifts in 7 days. I hope we can collect the same if not more. Please take a moment to celebrate Ryan’s life with us. We hope you can help us make a difference during this holiday in Ryan’s honor.

Feeling Vulnerable

There is always the fear that people are less anxious about remembering and supporting. I drove myself crazy today because I sent out the email last week for the Angel Ryan Project and didn't hear much response.... until today people were responding about supporting.

There is always that fear that people are so busy with their lives and can no longer take the time to honorRyan. It is just so emotional. I cried a lot today but feel better now. Kind of silly but because it is so personal. Sometimes, I wonder if it is easy just to hide and hibernate. When I reach out, I have to risk for potential disappointment but I guess at the end, this method is more helpful in my healing and honoring Ryan.

Reality is memories fade...Ryan just becomes old news...I really just need to learn to deal with that. He is my little boy. I really feel I need to hibernate for a while.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Change is difficult

Change is difficult. We finally said our final goodbyes to our neighbors Emily and her parents last night. As we hugged, I just burst into tears. I will miss them so much. They chose to be involved in our lives during this past two years. I will miss the habit of coming home and seeing Emily across the street asking her to come over to play. It has been a constant ritual. Matthew has company and our house was filled with happy kids’ play. Emily has been the convenient void for our family and I have developed so a special bond with this little girl. I will miss watching her grow up with Matthew. The next time I would see her she will be half year older.

I don’t think anyone can relate or understand that loss that we feel. It is just not losing a neighbor who is moving away. For us, it is a loss of a special relationship and friendship that we feel so close to. These people could have chosen not to be involved in our lives but they did. We feel so safe with them and they feel the same in our emotional space. Friendships like that come rarely and we are so afraid to lose that because we value that gifted friendship.

I was reading to Matthew last night and he kept pushing the "Matthew bear" and Emily's voice comes up saying “I love you, Matthew.” I just burst into more tears.

Matthew asked, "you miss Emily?"
I said, "Yes, I will miss Emily, Auntie Lesley, and Uncle Sid."
He put the bear closeby my face and pushed the button and said, "I will make you better" and Emily's voice came up.
Matthew said, "Well, we are going to have new neighbors. They have a 8 and a 3 yr old."
I said, "Well, we don't know them and we don't know if they are nice."
Matthew, "Everybody is nice. Well, some people are nice. Some are not so nice."
I said, "Emily, Auntie Lesley and Uncle Sid care a lot about us. They are our friends. The new neighbors are not our friends."
Matthew fell asleep.

John and I looked at Emily "old" house and tonight that house is not the same...empty feeling. Tonight, our house is quiet. Hopefully, we will adjust and we just have to.

I will surely miss seeing Sid and Emily around 6pm and asking Emily to come over. I just never thought I would befriend so personally with my neighbor. I love my privacy and never want to know my neighbor!