Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Matthew lost his front teeth

Matthew lost one front tooth (Jan 25th), ate a churro and shifted the tooth to the middle. Then lost the other front tooth in a pillow fight with a friend (Jan 30th).

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Matthew's Emotions

Our usual night….reading in bed…but tonight is not that usual. Matthew wanted to watch the Ryan’s Ride video. So I suggested that we look at some photos at our family website at We saw photos of Ryan & Matthew from 0 to 3 months, 3 to 6 months, etc. Matthew enjoyed looking at them…then he made a series of comments with his teary eyes:
“I miss Ryan. I want to jump into the computer to be with him. Then you and Daddy jump into the computer to be with him too.”
“Today at recess, I cried a little because I miss my brother.”
“See, you are creating a legacy for Ryan so you have to continue to do Ryan’s Ride. I will help you and daddy will help you.”
“I wish Ryan will come back.”
“He died in his sleep (as he now understood what I said in the video). Did he throw up? How did you find him die?”

I told him the best I could. I told him that it is okay to cry. He acknowledged that I have told him awhile ago that it was okay to cry.

I looked at him and wondered how could my little boy be so emotionally sensitive? Four and a half years later, I am just taking his lead in talking about Ryan’s death… I now question…he is now seven years old and is maturing. All I can do is to be as honest as I can and also keep telling him that I love him. I am afraid…that there will be a part of him that lives with sadness. I don’t want to see his tears in missing Ryan but I assume all this is normal for him?

Monday, January 7, 2008

Another Birthday

Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.

Last night, I was in a cleaning spree and organized a drawer where I stored Ryan’s memories. There were a few letters that were written by other moms about their memories of Ryan (and Matthew). I shared them with Matthew and tears just rolled down. Matthew said he wished he had Pokemon power to bring Ryan back to life. He said he had some tears at the corner of his eyes too and kept hugging me to comfort me. I rarely shed tears in front of him any more. But last night was a moment to visit the sadness with Matthew. He was so emphatic and understood. I told him that sometimes I just needed to cry to feel better and he nodded and gave me another comforting hug.

This morning, John and Matthew delivered breakfast in bed, with yellow tulips and cards. It is delightful to hear Matthew bursting the little pieces of secrets on how they were going to celebrate my birthday with me. He was so eager to know it was my birthday.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

5th Annual Angel Ryan Project Recap

With your kind and generous support, we collected toys and delivered them in ten days! On December 12th, Matthew and I along with our Angel Ryan helpers delivered 261 toys and gift cards and 118 books to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club. Watching the 4 to 7 years old unloading the gifts eagerly from my van brought tears to my eyes. I am so touched that through the giving spirits of these little ones, Ryan’s spirit was celebrated.

I want to thank my dear friend, Carolyn, formerly a teacher to shop with me for the 3rd year at Barnes & Noble and we purchased closed to $1,000 worth of books for the children. I want to thank those of you who personally delivered many thoughtful toys to my house and wrote checks to meet our tight deadline for our shopping spree. Thank you also to the mommies who encouraged their little ones to join us for the gift delivery.

Matthew and I shopped at Toys R Us and Target for a couple of hours. This year, at seven years old, Matthew truly understands the spirit of giving. He patiently selected toys for the boys and girls and took this responsibility seriously. I then finished my shopping alone at the Lego Store and Michael’s. In the late night shopping craze, I felt so fulfilled shopping for a cause.

During the delivery, Matthew and his little helpers took a quick tour at the Club and were introduced to the children there. Matthew told me afterwards that while taking a group photo, two boys tapped his shoulder and told Matthew, “You are awesome!”.

Matthew, John and I cannot express enough gratitude for your support to our family during these past years. I find this quote very appropriate: “A faithful friend is the medicine of life. By The Apocrypha”. We value each of your friendship and know that our lives are richer because of your friendship.
May all of us continue to be present in our living and feel the life that is given to us. Sending you peace for 2008 and the years to come.