Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mother's Day

Yesterday was a special day. I had a great massage and I went to baby shower of a mom in my twins playgroup. It was a shower made by a labor of love. And the 10 of us all enjoyed spending the day before Mother’s day with a wonderful group of mothers. These 9 moms gave each other support and shared the joy through the ups and downs. We all want to make it a tradition to have such gathering like this the day before mother day without kids in the years to come. One mom made a scrapbook for the future baby for all of us... We were supposed to include a photo of our kids but I only gave her a photo of Matthew and I. Another mom said she was surprised that I didn’t include a photo of Ryan and she thinks Ryan is always part of us...

So last night I came home and looked through the photos of the boys at 2.5 yrs...Matthew spending his first xmas without Ryan...I looked at those photos and saw Matthew being so little but still with the picture perfect smile? I asked myself how did John and I have smiles for pictures back then? Six months since Ryan’s death....I felt the pain traveling down to memory lane. I think no matter what, I have to grieve for the loss of Ryan’s absence in private today. I am going to look at more photos later just to have a good cry. But I will also go to watch Matthew’s t ball and say many “I love yous” to him.

It is natural on a day like this to wonder the what-if’s and to mourn no matter how much I want to skip it...

Bill C. did an amazing fun poster for Ryan’s Ride... I was so proud of if I found a great school for Matthew and I found a great art to represent Ryan. Now I am more charged to do the planning.... I think I try to find the balance to be normal, not to have the ride consume me and to learn to balance my life.

Yes, Matthew is the twinkle in my eyes everyday. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if other mothers love their child as much as I love him. I know they do.
I went on a very hilly hike with my 82 year mom and she kept up... Drove her home at night and on the way home just cried for Ryan... I still remember his goofy smile and flat sticking up as he got hot.... Still very vivid after 4 yrs...miss much especially today. Asked why did he become out of order so fast.... I had a good cry...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

In anticipation of 4th Annual Ryan’s Ride – our annual letter

Our 4th annual Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 24, 2007. We are in full swing planning for this special event so personal to our family. Every year, anxiety builds up not knowing if we have the courage to ensure the level of the spirit of the event in years past. Each year around this time, the reflections of Ryan surfaces more intensely.

A couple of week ago while I was at the Burlingame Library, I saw a glimpse of the librarian who did wonderful story time for Ryan and Matthew. I wanted to go up to thank her for creating those fond memories for me….. I didn’t go up…it would have been too forward so I thanked her in my heart. After all, it has been almost four years since Ryan’s passing on July 8th and this was my first encounter with this librarian in four years.

During that week, while I was driving home, I saw Fire Truck E-27 backing up into the fire station….I tried to look for familiar faces of the fire fighters….to see if anyone of them was the one who came that night to be with our family.

Then I got an email from a stranger who emailed me the eve of the 2005 Ryan’s Ride, a very compassionate email from a girl who was 14 years old then. This young woman is now 17 years old and wants to volunteer at Ryan’s Ride. I asked her how she managed to remember two years later but she did.

Today I got an email from a mom of twin in our mothers club that her daughter of almost 2 years old passed away to cancer last Friday. Her email brought me down to memory lane. I cried for her and I cried for Ryan.

These are the fabrics woven through life that give us the reason to plan for Ryan’s Ride each year. It is like food for our souls.

Matthew who is almost six and a half and a kindergartener enjoys sports…soccer, little league, basketball and riding his bike. He has taken an extreme interest in drawing. We look at Matthew each day and see our little boy growing in front of our eyes. The joy we have in our lives is magnified because of the life challenges we have endured and survived. We feel so very blessed to have him. He reminds us of living now and to live full.

As for Ryan, his gift to us is his guiding spirit and soft presence in our hearts; always there and always giving.

John wants to share this quote:
“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”

Loving both Ryan and Matthew is our joy.