Thursday, December 15, 2005

Matthew's 5 year old Birthday

Last night, at 3am, Matthew vomited; again at 9am and again at 3pm. He has the stomach flu and is his first illness for this season.

At one year birthday, Matthew had a fever. At the 2nd year birthday, it was Ryan’s turn to get sick. At the 3rd birthday at Disney: Matt had a fever at 3am and was fine next day. At the 4th bday at Disney, he vomited and fine the next day and now.

I think it is Ryan's sign to tell me to focus on Matthew. I was planning to go to work but instead we stayed at home: played games, watched TV, cuddled and napped with Matthew. It was nice but broke my heart to hear him said his tummy hurt. Also, I think I saw 3 sets of twin boys of the 2 hours I was out to see the doc....

I was so focused on Matthew today that I couldn’t focus on Ryan as much. I lit a candle for him.

There aren’t tears shed today much because the tears were all dried up since the start of Halloween. The anticipation was much more difficult. Matthew reminded me that I needed to focus on him. Today will be the first day where our time with Ryan is shorter than our time without him. It breaks our hearts….

My dear friend wrote this and really hit the spot:
“Happy birthday Ryan…thinking of you today and what a handsome young man you would be at the age of 5! I know you would you be as sweet as your brother with love and laughter in your eyes. We all miss you and love you and cherish the short time you were here. I believe you are with us each day though, keeping us safe. Happy birthday big boy!”

Saturday, December 3, 2005

3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Recap

Dear Friends,
We want to thank you for taking time out of your busy holidays to participate in the Angel Ryan Project. With your generous donations, we collected 216 gifts in two weeks. Matthew, John and I delivered 90 plus presents and 125 Target gift cards to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club today. The club will hold a party for 600 plus children this Friday. So far they have collected 350 gifts, (including ours) and in hopes to reach their goal in the next few days. The director told us that unfortunately, the general public often disappoints to give. So they are so grateful how much Angel Ryan has helped them.

Our holiday traditions in Ryan’s physical absence have been bittersweet. While we ensure Matthew celebrates his birthday with a splash, we spend our remaining energy in collecting gifts to remember Ryan. Matthew learns that the holidays are about giving love to those we care about. The 3 of us spent last Sunday at Ryan’s resting place planting poinsettias, raking leaves, decorating. Matthew was eager to help in whatever task to keep his brother’s place tidy. He held the incense, bowed three times and said, “I miss you, Ryan and I love you.” We sang happy birthday and released blue, green balloons and watched them disappear into the sky. Matthew saw me cried and hugged my legs. I told him that I miss Ryan and it was okay to cry because crying makes me feel better afterwards. I told him how lucky I am to have him and I love him. My little boy understands.

Through your generosity, you have touched our hearts, Ryan’s spirits and the joy of many children. You also have taught Matthew compassion. You have taught us the spirit of the holiday. Thank you for giving.