Our usual night….reading in bed…but tonight is not that usual. Matthew wanted to watch the Ryan’s Ride video. So I suggested that we look at some photos at our family website at phuafamily.com. We saw photos of Ryan & Matthew from 0 to 3 months, 3 to 6 months, etc. Matthew enjoyed looking at them…then he made a series of comments with his teary eyes:
“I miss Ryan. I want to jump into the computer to be with him. Then you and Daddy jump into the computer to be with him too.”
“Today at recess, I cried a little because I miss my brother.”
“See, you are creating a legacy for Ryan so you have to continue to do Ryan’s Ride. I will help you and daddy will help you.”
“I wish Ryan will come back.”
“He died in his sleep (as he now understood what I said in the video). Did he throw up? How did you find him die?”
I told him the best I could. I told him that it is okay to cry. He acknowledged that I have told him awhile ago that it was okay to cry.
I looked at him and wondered how could my little boy be so emotionally sensitive? Four and a half years later, I am just taking his lead in talking about Ryan’s death… I now question…he is now seven years old and is maturing. All I can do is to be as honest as I can and also keep telling him that I love him. I am afraid…that there will be a part of him that lives with sadness. I don’t want to see his tears in missing Ryan but I assume all this is normal for him?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Michele -
Let me start by saying you are raising a very emotionally in tuned little boy that is learning how to grasp the unimaginable that his brother died at 2 1/2. And because you are allowing him to guide what he is able to grasp as you listen to his questions. His concepts are healthy and seem so normal to come to terms little by little what did happen in context of the night his twin brother tragically passed away. It is no doubt from his understanding he wants to not be missing his brother and imagine in a fantasy way that he could be with him again. It will not always be his reality this is realistic - but he is still able to fantasize and imagine with his youth protecting him from the loss he endures for the rest of his life. It is hard to not hear his pain as his need to try to comfort or fix or feel worse he has to endure for the rest of his living life. It is my perspective this would be no different if he were to hurt his leg - you want to take his pain away. You always, all ways make his life the best it can be. You want to protect him instinctively forever. It is not easy to listen to his feelings and know he is hurting for perfectly reasonable reasons now at school where his brother would be if....
One other thought is how other child and not a relative like the neighbor girls or peers of Joseph's process the permanent reality he is dead forever. Most of the kids were 4 and are now 6. They are doing this too wanting to test if they can be with their friend....out of the blue asking to call Joseph to set up a play date. The mom is shocked with what to say and wonders what triggered this in their kid now. But they had the bond of pure innocent joy as best friends that grow up together. This is no where close to a sibling..... Now time for this age group of 6 1/2 or 7 in your son is concrete to them. They get that this person can not come back again ever. not see in a month or visit flying in the airplane or calling by telephone. It is also the reality of figuring out if they get sick like this child that died that it could happen to them fears will be brought up. So many children have sobbed in fear when they got sick after knowing Joey just died when he was not really very sick. It is the mom or dad's piece that is assuring them with facts of the not very probable you will get well etc. I want to end by saying someday in the future when Matthew is older he will probably meet and befriend another boy who is learning to live without his brother.....law of attraction. Wait and see. I know this to be so true with children of divorce, motherless daughters, it is human nature to be drawn together and be comforted by having this common bond connection. i love you.
Post a Comment