Letter to a friend remembering….
Today we squeezed in the time to go to Ryan’s resting place as we are leaving for HK tomorrow (on the boys’ bday). The place closes at 4pm and Matthew and I got there at 3:45pm. John took the day off and he went there to clean up the place before I got there. I have not gone in 6 months and thought it must need much cleaning. When I went there John already had planted the poinsettias and the mini Xmas tree so Matthew, Christian and I helped to decorate the place with a wreath, snowman and ornaments....
I stood there but no longer do tears pour out...my anger has subsided standing in front of his grave. It was a calmer feeling....I miss him but the pain is not there...just sadness. It was that pain that prevented me from wanting to stand in front of his grave all these years. Then I realized how much I have come.... I found that Ryan is buried in such a beautiful area under the big oak tree with a beautiful view and I felt a sense of calm (but slightly).
At Matthew’s birthday, this is the second year while singing happy birthday I was only focused on Matthew, not Ryan. I saw how happy Matthew was to feel so special and I didn’t want to miss that... Even if I look at the photos of the little young Matthew, I feel sad too... That youth becomes all memories now...whether Ryan is dead or Matthew has grown up. I truly feel how we need to “feel” in the presence...because eventually the “7 year old Matthew” will become a past.
His 1st grade teacher told me that Matthew talks about Ryan. Matthew answered a homework question...when do you feel sad? He answered, “when someone I know dies.”.
To live each day requires so much internal strength and we all grow as humans....I think that is truly human survivorship.
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