The Grief Burst

I have not felt the need to write for a while but today I want to capture a moment of this journey. We were in the support group and as the new year arrived, John and I decided that it is the right moment to close out of this support group so we can allow others on the wait list to join.

As the meeting started and as I shared Ryan’s story and our lives with an incoming new parent, my feelings exploded. I couldn’t control my extreme sadness as I described my journey through the loss of Ryan. It was like a volcano erupting. John after two and half years felt he had allowed his grief to reach the deepest pit that now he could come out of the pit and perform like a normal citizen. He was like a walking dead for two years and now out of that pit.

As for me, he said I had been grieving by keeping myself busy with projects, I did not reach that pit as deep as he did or was I ever in the pit? When I was least expecting it, that “burst” surfaced out from that pit uncontrollably. I didn’t know I had it in me. It is just a reminder that I need to stay with the group to process those emotions that I have managed to cover with layers of blankets.

As I was telling the story, I realized I started losing memories of the details. I would be the first to admit that I am someone who is born with a weak memory bank.

But I told John that I still have vivid memories of my touch with Ryan….the many nights when he was ill and he couldn’t sleep. I would let him lay his head on my shoulder. I would pace around the room and humming this one lullaby that I don’t even know the name of. I would feel his hair sticking up because he was too warm. I would feel his little chubby hands which fingers would be so straightened as he stretched himself. I would feel those chubby flat little feet. I remember the size of his little body. I remember how proud I felt to be his mother….a little boy who had enormous confidence and layback attitude. I remember how calm and peaceful I was whenever I was alone with him during the nights. I remember telling myself how handsome of a man he would grow up to be despite having a less attractive baby face than Matthew. I was ready to tell the world…here is my handsome and confident son. I knew he would grow up to have that internal confidence that other teens may lack. I just believed Ryan was born with that confidence. No matter how forgetful I can be, perhaps a mother will never forget her son….