Reflections

I have not felt the need to write in a long time. But a friend told me about her co-worker 13 months old daughter just passed away in her sleep. Her co-workers were searching for resources. I helped what I could. They are so appreciative and I feel there is still so little that anyone can do for this mother who lost her only daughter. I saw a photo of the toddler….how could she die? She looked so healthy, chubby in the photo. How is this mom going to cope the loss of her only child?
I went on our family website and started reading the eulogy that I wrote for Ryan…. My eulogy included many of the experiences I would miss to do with him…As I read the eulogy, I just realized how much I have forgotten…. I forgot that he liked me to cut his French toast into papa, mama and baby sizes. I forgot he liked ketchup with his mac’ n cheese. How could I forget so much? Was this normal for 4 years of grief? Did John forget many of the details too? I tried to give myself excuse that this is normal. Perhaps I am so in the moment of the presence, of Matthew, of my life?