Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.Last night, I was in a cleaning spree and organized a drawer where I stored Ryan’s memories. There were a few letters that were written by other moms about their memories of Ryan (and Matthew). I shared them with Matthew and tears just rolled down. Matthew said he wished he had Pokemon power to bring Ryan back to life. He said he had some tears at the corner of his eyes too and kept hugging me to comfort me. I rarely shed tears in front of him any more. But last night was a moment to visit the sadness with Matthew. He was so emphatic and understood. I told him that sometimes I just needed to cry to feel better and he nodded and gave me another comforting hug.This morning, John and Matthew delivered breakfast in bed, with yellow tulips and cards. It is delightful to hear Matthew bursting the little pieces of secrets on how they were going to celebrate my birthday with me. He was so eager to know it was my birthday.
With your kind and generous support, we collected toys and delivered them in ten days! On December 12th, Matthew and I along with our Angel Ryan helpers delivered 261 toys and gift cards and 118 books to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club. Watching the 4 to 7 years old unloading the gifts eagerly from my van brought tears to my eyes. I am so touched that through the giving spirits of these little ones, Ryan’s spirit was celebrated.
I want to thank my dear friend, Carolyn, formerly a teacher to shop with me for the 3rd year at Barnes & Noble and we purchased closed to $1,000 worth of books for the children. I want to thank those of you who personally delivered many thoughtful toys to my house and wrote checks to meet our tight deadline for our shopping spree. Thank you also to the mommies who encouraged their little ones to join us for the gift delivery.
Matthew and I shopped at Toys R Us and Target for a couple of hours. This year, at seven years old, Matthew truly understands the spirit of giving. He patiently selected toys for the boys and girls and took this responsibility seriously. I then finished my shopping alone at the Lego Store and Michael’s. In the late night shopping craze, I felt so fulfilled shopping for a cause.
During the delivery, Matthew and his little helpers took a quick tour at the Club and were introduced to the children there. Matthew told me afterwards that while taking a group photo, two boys tapped his shoulder and told Matthew, “You are awesome!”.
Matthew, John and I cannot express enough gratitude for your support to our family during these past years. I find this quote very appropriate: “A faithful friend is the medicine of life. By The Apocrypha”. We value each of your friendship and know that our lives are richer because of your friendship. May all of us continue to be present in our living and feel the life that is given to us. Sending you peace for 2008 and the years to come.
The trip to Hong Kong was so very intimate for us as a family. Matthew was so very engaging with Baby Alana. Baby Alana looks like my brother in law so there is no reminder of Ryan. But while carrying her in my arms, she represents so much, an extension of hope and joy to the whole family. She is just the perfect baby, always smiling and peaceful. She is an easy baby like Ryan. Matthew surprised us all. He would rather follow my sister to the ladies lounge to wait for her to nurse Alana than to be with me. He became the great 7-year old helper to my sister in the busy mall, holding the side of the stroller. He was like that the whole trip. There was just a natural bond between Matthew and Alana that came so effortlessly. I was surprised to see him so engaging with a baby for so long and did not turn back into the selfish 7 year old. I never have seen him to play such a role with any little ones.
Watching my sister and brother in law as parents was a joy. They were so very involved, loving and calm. I am so very proud of them.
As we departed, we just realized how important it is for us to see each other more often as family. We need to make it a tradition to have family trips. My sister really missed us when we left as she knew how important family connections are after becoming a mother...no one will dote over Alana as much as we will....
As for Ryan, he is in my heart but just not front and center like before. I told John I don’t know if it was because I was out of my routine…being in a different country and feeling distracted. Or I have truly mastered to live in the joy of presence. We came home yesterday and got a call that a friend of ours just passed away to cancer in her mid-forties. She was survived by her 2 boys and husband. As much as I have learned to stay positive with my new life and realize how death is just a fact of life, I felt so angry hearing that news. I feel that as adults we can learn to deal with death of our child but I felt so angry that these 2 boys have to survive the loss of their mother and her love. That very special privileged love that I have for Matthew was taken away from these 2 boys. How fair of life is that? So I acknowledged my anger and learned to carry on….
Letter to a friend remembering….
Today we squeezed in the time to go to Ryan’s resting place as we are leaving for HK tomorrow (on the boys’ bday). The place closes at 4pm and Matthew and I got there at 3:45pm. John took the day off and he went there to clean up the place before I got there. I have not gone in 6 months and thought it must need much cleaning. When I went there John already had planted the poinsettias and the mini Xmas tree so Matthew, Christian and I helped to decorate the place with a wreath, snowman and ornaments....
I stood there but no longer do tears pour out...my anger has subsided standing in front of his grave. It was a calmer feeling....I miss him but the pain is not there...just sadness. It was that pain that prevented me from wanting to stand in front of his grave all these years. Then I realized how much I have come.... I found that Ryan is buried in such a beautiful area under the big oak tree with a beautiful view and I felt a sense of calm (but slightly).
At Matthew’s birthday, this is the second year while singing happy birthday I was only focused on Matthew, not Ryan. I saw how happy Matthew was to feel so special and I didn’t want to miss that... Even if I look at the photos of the little young Matthew, I feel sad too... That youth becomes all memories now...whether Ryan is dead or Matthew has grown up. I truly feel how we need to “feel” in the presence...because eventually the “7 year old Matthew” will become a past.
His 1st grade teacher told me that Matthew talks about Ryan. Matthew answered a homework question...when do you feel sad? He answered, “when someone I know dies.”.
To live each day requires so much internal strength and we all grow as humans....I think that is truly human survivorship.
Dear Friends and Families:
Hope you are well. Somehow this has become an annual letter for us to connect with our families and friends.
Can’t believe four and a half years has gone by and this is the 5th Annual Angel Ryan Project. This year I have been feeling exhausted physically and I realized I no longer have the stamina like past years. Perhaps I should nurture myself more and skip the Angel Ryan Project. How do I find the stamina and energy to plan the 5th Annual Ryan’s Ride in the spring when I am this exhausted now?
But as I began to plan for Matthew’s 7th birthday party and the sounds of holiday music being played on the radio, I realize that I could not skip the Angel Ryan Project. It is a representation of Ryan’s spirit and an opportunity for our family to truly learn the meaning of holiday giving.
Matthew will turn 7 on December 15th. We missed celebrating with Ryan for five birthdays already. Sometimes I try to imagine a seven-year old Ryan. but I couldn’t. I cannot picture how he would have looked now. Matthew, on the other hand, has grown to be so sensible. At many times, he would parent me:
“Mom, you don’t know how I feel because my brain is not your brain.” When I told him that he was right, “Mom, I am only a kid and I know it. You are an adult.” Matthew is right. I learn to be a better person from his lecture. Three of Matthew’s favorite books are about this set of twin boys who grew up to be professional football players. I asked him why he liked these books so he said the books remind him of Ryan and him.
This year, John and I had come across several parents who had since lost a child to cancer, sudden death. I am just reminded that challenges like these just happen in life randomly. And as survivors, we have the obligation to relate to these individuals and share the darkness in their lives. How can we not be there for them when not many have walked that path to truly understand the grieving journey?
We still have not ordered a marker for Ryan. I have to think of a quote to put on the marker but I want it to be right. So the guilt continues onto 2008.
2007 has been a miracle year. Alana Sophie, my niece and daughter of my sister, was born in Sept. She was healthy and gorgeous. I flew to Hong Kong to spend 5 days with her right after her birth to share the precious moments. I held her in my hands and felt the enormous joy and hope. I questioned if others feel the immense joy that I felt of having a niece in their arms. Matthew, John and I will visit Alana during this holiday season. I told Matthew, “Alana is like a sibling to you. She is the closest to you besides Ryan.”
John has started a new venture after 12 years with Sony Playstation. We all have learned to still live life with a passion and he is working hard but enjoying the new opportunity. On 12/9th, John will celebrate his tenth anniversary of being cancer free. I am so blessed for his continued good health, his patience and love to Matthew and I. I know I am stronger because I am sharing my life with John.
Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on Wednesday, 12/12th at around 4pm. If your children are interested in helping with the delivery, please join us. I hope we can count on you to celebrate Ryan’s life with us by donating a gift or 2. The value of each gift is only about $15 and the club will mail you a tax receipt. The Club is an after school program for low-income families so gifts will be most appropriate for children between 7 to 14 years old age. They often lack gifts for the older children.
John, Matthew and I are grateful for your continued support to help us honor our little boy. You are the ones who keep this project going for our family. No words can express our gratitude to you. The delivery will be next week so please contribute to the Angel Ryan Project now and help us reach our goal to collect 200 plus gifts again.
May you find peace and joy during the holidays and be surrounded by love from those you care about.
I have not felt the need to write in a long time. But a friend told me about her co-worker 13 months old daughter just passed away in her sleep. Her co-workers were searching for resources. I helped what I could. They are so appreciative and I feel there is still so little that anyone can do for this mother who lost her only daughter. I saw a photo of the toddler….how could she die? She looked so healthy, chubby in the photo. How is this mom going to cope the loss of her only child?
I went on our family website and started reading the eulogy that I wrote for Ryan…. My eulogy included many of the experiences I would miss to do with him…As I read the eulogy, I just realized how much I have forgotten…. I forgot that he liked me to cut his French toast into papa, mama and baby sizes. I forgot he liked ketchup with his mac’ n cheese. How could I forget so much? Was this normal for 4 years of grief? Did John forget many of the details too? I tried to give myself excuse that this is normal. Perhaps I am so in the moment of the presence, of Matthew, of my life?
As we experienced another year of Ryan’s Ride, I have realized how far life has changed for me. With the additional help from Misa and Carmen with the pre-planning, we were getting the planning down to near science. For me, it was the most relaxing week among the past four years leading up to the event. I have learned a quote from a friend, “Failure to plan is planning to fail”. So I tried to plan to the minute details.
We have dedicated this year’s Ride to Ryan and to Cooper Jones, whom we have never met. Cooper would have been 23 and he passed away ten years ago doing what he loved. Cooper’s parents Martha and David flew in from Spokane to help us at Ryan’s Ride. It was their way of honoring Cooper whom they missed for ten years. They celebrated their son’s anniversary watching hundreds of children doing what their son loved. Our other highlight was to have Ron from the Lance Armstrong Foundation flying in from Austin experiencing the event. Ron volunteered for the whole weekend. Ron works at LAF, a nationally established non-profit foundation but his visit endorsed LAF’s mission - survivorship. He supported us emotionally at this event making our family feel so valued to be part of the foundation we have been associated with for a decade.
Then there are many other stories… a boy riding in memory of his grandma, a two year old girl riding in memory of her identical twin sister just passed away to cancer a few months ago, a girl riding in memory of her 2 year old brother, a boy trained to have his training wheels removed for this Ride. I think as humans, we all have our stories and through these stories, we are all somehow connected….these connections are the power of the human spirits.
Each year, John and I as hosts worried about parents feeling stressed about the craze. But I told John: “The Ride is not about the parents. It is an experience to the children on the course. When I saw Matthew came across the finish with such determination, I knew I would be like many of you waking up early on a Sunday morning, packing the kids and bikes, circling around to look for parking at the event. That joy and determination of our children makes this Ride well worth the hoopla.”
As for me, watching the children riding placed me in the presence of their joy…or as Matthew’s mom, his joy. This year the focus was less about feeling Ryan’s presence but more about the presence of the children at the event. Then I feel the power of giving. If Ryan is still here, there would not have been a Ryan’s Ride planned by our family. It is truly the spirit of human survivorship, hope and giving.
Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.
