Matthew lost his front teeth

Matthew lost one front tooth (Jan 25th), ate a churro and shifted the tooth to the middle. Then lost the other front tooth in a pillow fight with a friend (Jan 30th).

Matthew's Emotions

Our usual night….reading in bed…but tonight is not that usual. Matthew wanted to watch the Ryan’s Ride video. So I suggested that we look at some photos at our family website at phuafamily.com. We saw photos of Ryan & Matthew from 0 to 3 months, 3 to 6 months, etc. Matthew enjoyed looking at them…then he made a series of comments with his teary eyes:
“I miss Ryan. I want to jump into the computer to be with him. Then you and Daddy jump into the computer to be with him too.”
“Today at recess, I cried a little because I miss my brother.”
“See, you are creating a legacy for Ryan so you have to continue to do Ryan’s Ride. I will help you and daddy will help you.”
“I wish Ryan will come back.”
“He died in his sleep (as he now understood what I said in the video). Did he throw up? How did you find him die?”

I told him the best I could. I told him that it is okay to cry. He acknowledged that I have told him awhile ago that it was okay to cry.

I looked at him and wondered how could my little boy be so emotionally sensitive? Four and a half years later, I am just taking his lead in talking about Ryan’s death… I now question…he is now seven years old and is maturing. All I can do is to be as honest as I can and also keep telling him that I love him. I am afraid…that there will be a part of him that lives with sadness. I don’t want to see his tears in missing Ryan but I assume all this is normal for him?

First day of Kindergarten

We woke up and got Matthew ready for school. We made a big sign “My first day of Kindergarten” and Matthew held the sign and took a picture. Matthew was a little nervous lining up with the other children in his class. The moment he went into his classroom, he was excited. He followed the other children to take a book and sat on the ground to read. When the teacher told the children to say goodbye to us, Matthew waved goodbye at me. He asked for a hug and we left. I was so proud of my little boy who often has had a hard time separating he has grown up in front of me today. I cannot be any more proud. I know Matthew will be so eager to learn and to make friends. If he runs into conflict, he will articulate his feelings and works it out or if not, he will ask for help….. I came home to an empty house and wonder what should I do now? Is that how most of the mothers who do not work full time feel?

Today, kindergarten was all about Matthew. There were 2 Ryan’s in his class. But our Ryan died at such a young age that I could not have imagined him coming to kindergarten with his brother. We were both in the moments of watching Matthew reaching this milestone.

I picked up Matthew at noon and he told me excitedly that he made 2 friends today. A boy kicked Matthew twice but Matthew said, “Stop doing that. It hurts when you kick me.” And the boy stopped.

Kindergarten is an adjustment for the child and for the parents. Matthew flew with such strength into the sky today and I was the proud mama bird who let him go and knowing he will be fine…… Our responsibility as parents will be to continue to provide the tools he will need to survive in a 5-year old world….

As for John, John said he had so much anxiety this past week leading up to this day. Today is a day of reflecting for him. He remembered he went to kindergarten, turned 6 and his mother died a few days after. The next year, he went to a different school to start first grade. He remembered vividly bringing home a form where he was supposed to put down his mother and father’s name. At 6, he asked who was his mother? He didn’t know which name to put down.

Our childhood modes our adulthood. As for John, his childhood trained him to achieve everything on his own without the normal parental support. He didn’t have a mother who gave him words of encouragement. At times, he said he could not understand why Matthew may get frustrated at a task. But I tried to remind him that Matthew has more tools than we do to accomplish in life.

Matthew's 5 year old Birthday

Last night, at 3am, Matthew vomited; again at 9am and again at 3pm. He has the stomach flu and is his first illness for this season.

At one year birthday, Matthew had a fever. At the 2nd year birthday, it was Ryan’s turn to get sick. At the 3rd birthday at Disney: Matt had a fever at 3am and was fine next day. At the 4th bday at Disney, he vomited and fine the next day and now.

I think it is Ryan's sign to tell me to focus on Matthew. I was planning to go to work but instead we stayed at home: played games, watched TV, cuddled and napped with Matthew. It was nice but broke my heart to hear him said his tummy hurt. Also, I think I saw 3 sets of twin boys of the 2 hours I was out to see the doc....

I was so focused on Matthew today that I couldn’t focus on Ryan as much. I lit a candle for him.

There aren’t tears shed today much because the tears were all dried up since the start of Halloween. The anticipation was much more difficult. Matthew reminded me that I needed to focus on him. Today will be the first day where our time with Ryan is shorter than our time without him. It breaks our hearts….

My dear friend wrote this and really hit the spot:
“Happy birthday Ryan…thinking of you today and what a handsome young man you would be at the age of 5! I know you would you be as sweet as your brother with love and laughter in your eyes. We all miss you and love you and cherish the short time you were here. I believe you are with us each day though, keeping us safe. Happy birthday big boy!”