July 8, 2008 (5th year Anniversary)I woke up on the morning of the 7th and just felt emotional. Monday…5 yrs ago…. Our family life changed. For someone who is quite forgetful, the sequence of events that happened on the Monday of the July 7th five years ago lived very vividly on my mind. I cried a little in the morning then went to work. Five years later I know I can handle this day “better”. But to my surprise, it is just not like any other normal day. I felt more tense and emotional. I kept myself busy watching TV. Then when I turned off the TV, it was 12:40am…. I immediately wanted to check on Matthew to make sure he was breathing. That was the time I checked on Ryan five years ago. No matter how well I have learned to navigate, today is just a day I cannot treat like the rest of the year. I will take a day off and go to the cemetery with John and the family. In the afternoon, John and I will spend a quiet moment hiking somewhere. Connecting with nature is healing to us. I cannot believe it has been five years that we lost our little boy. His brother is growing so rapidly in front of our eyes and we savor each presence with him….It was 2:30am and I turned off the light just now and tried to go to sleep… I burst into tears… At 2am five years ago, my little boy was pronounced dead. I saw his little body on the hospital bed, not moving. I remember John told me to touch him. I was in shock. What had happened? Friends were there….and we had to call John’s parents in the East Coast and my sister in Hong Kong. I wanted answers but I couldn’t get any…. I kept writing. I did an email blast and asked for help…give me tools so I could deal with this. Help poured in and resources came. Many were in ground zero with us… As each year has passed, fewer people remember this anniversary and it is expected as we personally also managed to navigate more effectively and become more private in our own grief. I have learned that the world continues…the world does not change for me just because of my own tragedy. It is our outlook to this world that changed. We are placed in an ocean and we have to learn to surf in the water or else we would sink, simple as that. Eventually, we realized that we became better surfers. Then I started playing the role of supporting newly bereaved parents. It gave me a whole new perspective as watching them was like watching my old reflection. I knew all too well how they felt one month, 6 months out, 2 years out. As time goes, I also realized that people are tired of seeing me mourn and I am tired of seeing myself mourn so grief all becomes much more internal and I share it only to those who are truly there to listen. But of course, on major days such as today, there is just no easy way out. In addition, being a supporter also gave me perspectives of knowing how much energy my friends had to exert in supporting us. The journey continues. Sometime, I wonder what do other people think when they see me as a mother with a big grin on her face…the mother who lost a son but she is smiling often…am I there to prove that the loss of a child is so easy to survive because I am smiling so big each day…Only if people know that at times obstacles also magnify our vulnerabilities. No matter what, we all owe it to ourselves to live authentically. It is important to keep it real. Life is no fairy tale. It includes all facets of emotional elements - joy, sadness, challenged, pain. Life is not always a beautiful picture as someone who always wants to paint it. You have to go deep down to the well to feel that lowest, the pain in order to also see the beauty in life.
I now know all too well that I have to count my blessings, be in the presence as much as possible and still appreciate life. Ryan and Matthew, one son in some far away place and one son here on earth with me. I love you both.
Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.Last night, I was in a cleaning spree and organized a drawer where I stored Ryan’s memories. There were a few letters that were written by other moms about their memories of Ryan (and Matthew). I shared them with Matthew and tears just rolled down. Matthew said he wished he had Pokemon power to bring Ryan back to life. He said he had some tears at the corner of his eyes too and kept hugging me to comfort me. I rarely shed tears in front of him any more. But last night was a moment to visit the sadness with Matthew. He was so emphatic and understood. I told him that sometimes I just needed to cry to feel better and he nodded and gave me another comforting hug.This morning, John and Matthew delivered breakfast in bed, with yellow tulips and cards. It is delightful to hear Matthew bursting the little pieces of secrets on how they were going to celebrate my birthday with me. He was so eager to know it was my birthday.
The trip to Hong Kong was so very intimate for us as a family. Matthew was so very engaging with Baby Alana. Baby Alana looks like my brother in law so there is no reminder of Ryan. But while carrying her in my arms, she represents so much, an extension of hope and joy to the whole family. She is just the perfect baby, always smiling and peaceful. She is an easy baby like Ryan. Matthew surprised us all. He would rather follow my sister to the ladies lounge to wait for her to nurse Alana than to be with me. He became the great 7-year old helper to my sister in the busy mall, holding the side of the stroller. He was like that the whole trip. There was just a natural bond between Matthew and Alana that came so effortlessly. I was surprised to see him so engaging with a baby for so long and did not turn back into the selfish 7 year old. I never have seen him to play such a role with any little ones.
Watching my sister and brother in law as parents was a joy. They were so very involved, loving and calm. I am so very proud of them.
As we departed, we just realized how important it is for us to see each other more often as family. We need to make it a tradition to have family trips. My sister really missed us when we left as she knew how important family connections are after becoming a mother...no one will dote over Alana as much as we will....
As for Ryan, he is in my heart but just not front and center like before. I told John I don’t know if it was because I was out of my routine…being in a different country and feeling distracted. Or I have truly mastered to live in the joy of presence. We came home yesterday and got a call that a friend of ours just passed away to cancer in her mid-forties. She was survived by her 2 boys and husband. As much as I have learned to stay positive with my new life and realize how death is just a fact of life, I felt so angry hearing that news. I feel that as adults we can learn to deal with death of our child but I felt so angry that these 2 boys have to survive the loss of their mother and her love. That very special privileged love that I have for Matthew was taken away from these 2 boys. How fair of life is that? So I acknowledged my anger and learned to carry on….
Letter to a friend remembering….
Today we squeezed in the time to go to Ryan’s resting place as we are leaving for HK tomorrow (on the boys’ bday). The place closes at 4pm and Matthew and I got there at 3:45pm. John took the day off and he went there to clean up the place before I got there. I have not gone in 6 months and thought it must need much cleaning. When I went there John already had planted the poinsettias and the mini Xmas tree so Matthew, Christian and I helped to decorate the place with a wreath, snowman and ornaments....
I stood there but no longer do tears pour out...my anger has subsided standing in front of his grave. It was a calmer feeling....I miss him but the pain is not there...just sadness. It was that pain that prevented me from wanting to stand in front of his grave all these years. Then I realized how much I have come.... I found that Ryan is buried in such a beautiful area under the big oak tree with a beautiful view and I felt a sense of calm (but slightly).
At Matthew’s birthday, this is the second year while singing happy birthday I was only focused on Matthew, not Ryan. I saw how happy Matthew was to feel so special and I didn’t want to miss that... Even if I look at the photos of the little young Matthew, I feel sad too... That youth becomes all memories now...whether Ryan is dead or Matthew has grown up. I truly feel how we need to “feel” in the presence...because eventually the “7 year old Matthew” will become a past.
His 1st grade teacher told me that Matthew talks about Ryan. Matthew answered a homework question...when do you feel sad? He answered, “when someone I know dies.”.
To live each day requires so much internal strength and we all grow as humans....I think that is truly human survivorship.
Yesterday was a special day. I had a great massage and I went to baby shower of a mom in my twins playgroup. It was a shower made by a labor of love. And the 10 of us all enjoyed spending the day before Mother’s day with a wonderful group of mothers. These 9 moms gave each other support and shared the joy through the ups and downs. We all want to make it a tradition to have such gathering like this the day before mother day without kids in the years to come. One mom made a scrapbook for the future baby for all of us... We were supposed to include a photo of our kids but I only gave her a photo of Matthew and I. Another mom said she was surprised that I didn’t include a photo of Ryan and she thinks Ryan is always part of us...
So last night I came home and looked through the photos of the boys at 2.5 yrs...Matthew spending his first xmas without Ryan...I looked at those photos and saw Matthew being so little but still with the picture perfect smile? I asked myself how did John and I have smiles for pictures back then? Six months since Ryan’s death....I felt the pain traveling down to memory lane. I think no matter what, I have to grieve for the loss of Ryan’s absence in private today. I am going to look at more photos later just to have a good cry. But I will also go to watch Matthew’s t ball and say many “I love yous” to him.
It is natural on a day like this to wonder the what-if’s and to mourn no matter how much I want to skip it...
Bill C. did an amazing fun poster for Ryan’s Ride... I was so proud of it...as if I found a great school for Matthew and I found a great art to represent Ryan. Now I am more charged to do the planning.... I think I try to find the balance to be normal, not to have the ride consume me and to learn to balance my life.
Yes, Matthew is the twinkle in my eyes everyday. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if other mothers love their child as much as I love him. I know they do.
I went on a very hilly hike with my 82 year mom and she kept up... Drove her home at night and on the way home just cried for Ryan... I still remember his goofy smile and flat feet...hair sticking up as he got hot.... Still very vivid after 4 yrs...miss him...so much especially today. Asked why did he become out of order so fast.... I had a good cry...
Christmas and the holidays came and gone. We went to Washington DC to spend Thanksgiving with John’s family. Our traditions were to bring the boys back for xmas but we couldn’t so we chose what we thought was a gentler holiday to give Matthew an opportunity to spend with a large extended family. In the Asian culture or at least in that gathering, we just pretended we were fine when asked. Nobody really tried to ask you how we really were or how we were coping. It is just not in the culture. So even though we had not seen these relatives in 2.5 years, everyone just focused on Matthew without any mention of Ryan as if he never existed. So it was extremely difficult for us to put on a face that we never could have been happier. All in all, we saw the joy of Matthew and it was very special for him to spend time with so many people. After all, that is what the holidays are about. Now we have done our first, I know we can do future holiday gatherings.
We went to Hong Kong to spend Christmas with my sister and brother in law. We kept ourselves busy by shopping and spending money. Being in a foreign land made us cope with the holidays easier. We all focused on Matthew and he brought all the adults so much joy. He reminded us what living is.
Today is my 41st birthday. John was in Vegas this week and returned late. I got a phone call from the radiologist after doing a mammogram at the beginning of the week. They asked me to do another ultrasound as they want to do a follow up on the mammogram. For a moment, I felt vulnerable. What other challenges can be presented to John and I? John was more nervous than I was. John has reinvented himself so differently. The year when I first met John, he received a birthday card from his fraternity brother. The card showed a boy sitting on the sidewalk fishing in a puddle and he caught a fish. That was John’s attitude. Now, he said our hope is to return to some kind of normalcy after our tragic loss of Ryan. We are so just sensitive to our environments.
As for me, I was afraid….my mind travels….I feel a sense of responsibility to Matthew. I need to be well and alive to care for my child. That is my priority. As much as I am not supposed to worry until I have to, I will still travel to that dark moment.
While in the office, I heard a CD played from my co-worker’s office. It was a CD that I was playing a lot right after Ryan’s death. In the CD was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sang in Hawaiian style. My co-worker never had played any music from her office let alone this CD of the 3.5 years that I had consulted there.
At the end of the day, I often wondered if Ryan was trying to send me signs to remind me that it is not as important to reflect on the past but to be in the present and the future. He is trying to teach me about how I should live my life. On his 2nd anniversary while we were driving to Auburn for a getaway, a mother called me to ask me when and if I was going to have a Ryan’s Ride in San Francisco because her children asked about the event often. I just have to believe that it was a sign from Ryan to give me strength.
I kept my birthday low key. I worked and came home to my loving child who spent all night long wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me. How can I not count my blessings? That is the best gift of all on my very special day.
Halloween, I think it is still my favorite holiday for a child. I want Matthew to have a fulfilling fun Halloween holiday despite of our experience. For the past 2 weekends, we went to various Halloween carnivals, parties to really savor the Halloween spirit. We carved pumpkins and talked about the anticipation of Halloween. Matthew chose his costume to be Darth Vader. He was concerned about wearing the mask not to intimidate children younger than him. He hesitated to be Darth Vader after his friends told him that Darth Vader is a bad guy. Our little boy is growing up.
In order to ensure that we are going to feel “safe” on Halloween, we brainstorm all the possibilities on whom we want to join for trick or treating. Matthew has many friends but there are a few parents whom both John and I are also comfortable with in spending this holiday when it is a very sensitive period for us. We just couldn’t anticipate. So for the unknowns, we ended up putting a lot of efforts planning to ensure that we can be “safe”. What is “safe”? If we have a grief burst, an emotional letdown, these friends allow us to express those feelings freely.
Tonight was a disappointment in my planning because I let myself down. The friends that we decided to spend trick or treating with wanted to spend time with us except we didn’t know that they already had made plans to meet up with their friends. We didn’t know that there would be more people involved until the night. At the last minute, we decided that we didn’t want to join them because we want to protect ourselves not knowing how their friends were like. Should we have been notified by our friends about having other companies, we would have anticipate otherwise.
Matthew ended up going trick or treating with our neighbor who will be leaving the neighborhood in 10 more days. They had a great experience getting candies and it was such a delight for us as parents to absorb all those special moments.
At bedtime, while I was reading to Matthew, I burst into tears. The tears were long overdue. I let out all my emotions.
Matthew asked me, “Why are you sad?”
I answered, “Mama misses Ryan.”
Matthew said, “I miss Ryan too. He is my brother. He is 2 and then he will be 3 then 4. I will be 5. So I am his brother. I will be nice to him.”
I answered, “Matthew, you were always so nice to Ryan. You took such good care of him.”
Matthew said, “Do you want a hug or a kiss or both?”
I said, “Both.”
Matthew leaned over, kissed and hugged me, asked ,”Do you feel better now?”
I nodded in tears, “Matthew, Mama loves you so much and so happy to have you.”
Matthew said, “I love you too, Mama.” and went to sleep.
You know what the cry was for? It travels back to our deepest emotions and loss. If Ryan is still alive, the boys would have company to do trick or treating together and I would never need to brainstorm whom Matthew can spend Halloween with. What if Ryan is around? Thoughts like that made John and I feel so vulnerable. We lost Ryan. We lost the pillar in our family to make our love complete. That loss challenges us each day and most sensitive during a day like today. This loss and holiday experience is so foreign to those who aren’t bereaved. Eventually, the world continues to turn and nobody can really understand the feelings of those bereaved . John and I just need to adjust and conform to the world.
