Another Birthday

Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.

Last night, I was in a cleaning spree and organized a drawer where I stored Ryan’s memories. There were a few letters that were written by other moms about their memories of Ryan (and Matthew). I shared them with Matthew and tears just rolled down. Matthew said he wished he had Pokemon power to bring Ryan back to life. He said he had some tears at the corner of his eyes too and kept hugging me to comfort me. I rarely shed tears in front of him any more. But last night was a moment to visit the sadness with Matthew. He was so emphatic and understood. I told him that sometimes I just needed to cry to feel better and he nodded and gave me another comforting hug.

This morning, John and Matthew delivered breakfast in bed, with yellow tulips and cards. It is delightful to hear Matthew bursting the little pieces of secrets on how they were going to celebrate my birthday with me. He was so eager to know it was my birthday.