I have not felt the need to write for a while but today I want to capture a moment of this journey. We were in the support group and as the new year arrived, John and I decided that it is the right moment to close out of this support group so we can allow others on the wait list to join.
As the meeting started and as I shared Ryan’s story and our lives with an incoming new parent, my feelings exploded. I couldn’t control my extreme sadness as I described my journey through the loss of Ryan. It was like a volcano erupting. John after two and half years felt he had allowed his grief to reach the deepest pit that now he could come out of the pit and perform like a normal citizen. He was like a walking dead for two years and now out of that pit.
As for me, he said I had been grieving by keeping myself busy with projects, I did not reach that pit as deep as he did or was I ever in the pit? When I was least expecting it, that “burst” surfaced out from that pit uncontrollably. I didn’t know I had it in me. It is just a reminder that I need to stay with the group to process those emotions that I have managed to cover with layers of blankets.
As I was telling the story, I realized I started losing memories of the details. I would be the first to admit that I am someone who is born with a weak memory bank.
But I told John that I still have vivid memories of my touch with Ryan….the many nights when he was ill and he couldn’t sleep. I would let him lay his head on my shoulder. I would pace around the room and humming this one lullaby that I don’t even know the name of. I would feel his hair sticking up because he was too warm. I would feel his little chubby hands which fingers would be so straightened as he stretched himself. I would feel those chubby flat little feet. I remember the size of his little body. I remember how proud I felt to be his mother….a little boy who had enormous confidence and layback attitude. I remember how calm and peaceful I was whenever I was alone with him during the nights. I remember telling myself how handsome of a man he would grow up to be despite having a less attractive baby face than Matthew. I was ready to tell the world…here is my handsome and confident son. I knew he would grow up to have that internal confidence that other teens may lack. I just believed Ryan was born with that confidence. No matter how forgetful I can be, perhaps a mother will never forget her son….
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 6, 2006
My Birthday
Christmas and the holidays came and gone. We went to Washington DC to spend Thanksgiving with John’s family. Our traditions were to bring the boys back for xmas but we couldn’t so we chose what we thought was a gentler holiday to give Matthew an opportunity to spend with a large extended family. In the Asian culture or at least in that gathering, we just pretended we were fine when asked. Nobody really tried to ask you how we really were or how we were coping. It is just not in the culture. So even though we had not seen these relatives in 2.5 years, everyone just focused on Matthew without any mention of Ryan as if he never existed. So it was extremely difficult for us to put on a face that we never could have been happier. All in all, we saw the joy of Matthew and it was very special for him to spend time with so many people. After all, that is what the holidays are about. Now we have done our first, I know we can do future holiday gatherings.
We went to Hong Kong to spend Christmas with my sister and brother in law. We kept ourselves busy by shopping and spending money. Being in a foreign land made us cope with the holidays easier. We all focused on Matthew and he brought all the adults so much joy. He reminded us what living is.
Today is my 41st birthday. John was in Vegas this week and returned late. I got a phone call from the radiologist after doing a mammogram at the beginning of the week. They asked me to do another ultrasound as they want to do a follow up on the mammogram. For a moment, I felt vulnerable. What other challenges can be presented to John and I? John was more nervous than I was. John has reinvented himself so differently. The year when I first met John, he received a birthday card from his fraternity brother. The card showed a boy sitting on the sidewalk fishing in a puddle and he caught a fish. That was John’s attitude. Now, he said our hope is to return to some kind of normalcy after our tragic loss of Ryan. We are so just sensitive to our environments.
As for me, I was afraid….my mind travels….I feel a sense of responsibility to Matthew. I need to be well and alive to care for my child. That is my priority. As much as I am not supposed to worry until I have to, I will still travel to that dark moment.
While in the office, I heard a CD played from my co-worker’s office. It was a CD that I was playing a lot right after Ryan’s death. In the CD was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sang in Hawaiian style. My co-worker never had played any music from her office let alone this CD of the 3.5 years that I had consulted there.
At the end of the day, I often wondered if Ryan was trying to send me signs to remind me that it is not as important to reflect on the past but to be in the present and the future. He is trying to teach me about how I should live my life. On his 2nd anniversary while we were driving to Auburn for a getaway, a mother called me to ask me when and if I was going to have a Ryan’s Ride in San Francisco because her children asked about the event often. I just have to believe that it was a sign from Ryan to give me strength.
I kept my birthday low key. I worked and came home to my loving child who spent all night long wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me. How can I not count my blessings? That is the best gift of all on my very special day.
We went to Hong Kong to spend Christmas with my sister and brother in law. We kept ourselves busy by shopping and spending money. Being in a foreign land made us cope with the holidays easier. We all focused on Matthew and he brought all the adults so much joy. He reminded us what living is.
Today is my 41st birthday. John was in Vegas this week and returned late. I got a phone call from the radiologist after doing a mammogram at the beginning of the week. They asked me to do another ultrasound as they want to do a follow up on the mammogram. For a moment, I felt vulnerable. What other challenges can be presented to John and I? John was more nervous than I was. John has reinvented himself so differently. The year when I first met John, he received a birthday card from his fraternity brother. The card showed a boy sitting on the sidewalk fishing in a puddle and he caught a fish. That was John’s attitude. Now, he said our hope is to return to some kind of normalcy after our tragic loss of Ryan. We are so just sensitive to our environments.
As for me, I was afraid….my mind travels….I feel a sense of responsibility to Matthew. I need to be well and alive to care for my child. That is my priority. As much as I am not supposed to worry until I have to, I will still travel to that dark moment.
While in the office, I heard a CD played from my co-worker’s office. It was a CD that I was playing a lot right after Ryan’s death. In the CD was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sang in Hawaiian style. My co-worker never had played any music from her office let alone this CD of the 3.5 years that I had consulted there.
At the end of the day, I often wondered if Ryan was trying to send me signs to remind me that it is not as important to reflect on the past but to be in the present and the future. He is trying to teach me about how I should live my life. On his 2nd anniversary while we were driving to Auburn for a getaway, a mother called me to ask me when and if I was going to have a Ryan’s Ride in San Francisco because her children asked about the event often. I just have to believe that it was a sign from Ryan to give me strength.
I kept my birthday low key. I worked and came home to my loving child who spent all night long wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me. How can I not count my blessings? That is the best gift of all on my very special day.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Matthew's 5 year old Birthday
Last night, at 3am, Matthew vomited; again at 9am and again at 3pm. He has the stomach flu and is his first illness for this season.
At one year birthday, Matthew had a fever. At the 2nd year birthday, it was Ryan’s turn to get sick. At the 3rd birthday at Disney: Matt had a fever at 3am and was fine next day. At the 4th bday at Disney, he vomited and fine the next day and now.
I think it is Ryan's sign to tell me to focus on Matthew. I was planning to go to work but instead we stayed at home: played games, watched TV, cuddled and napped with Matthew. It was nice but broke my heart to hear him said his tummy hurt. Also, I think I saw 3 sets of twin boys of the 2 hours I was out to see the doc....
I was so focused on Matthew today that I couldn’t focus on Ryan as much. I lit a candle for him.
There aren’t tears shed today much because the tears were all dried up since the start of Halloween. The anticipation was much more difficult. Matthew reminded me that I needed to focus on him. Today will be the first day where our time with Ryan is shorter than our time without him. It breaks our hearts….
My dear friend wrote this and really hit the spot:
“Happy birthday Ryan…thinking of you today and what a handsome young man you would be at the age of 5! I know you would you be as sweet as your brother with love and laughter in your eyes. We all miss you and love you and cherish the short time you were here. I believe you are with us each day though, keeping us safe. Happy birthday big boy!”
Saturday, December 3, 2005
3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Recap
Dear Friends,
We want to thank you for taking time out of your busy holidays to participate in the Angel Ryan Project. With your generous donations, we collected 216 gifts in two weeks. Matthew, John and I delivered 90 plus presents and 125 Target gift cards to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club today. The club will hold a party for 600 plus children this Friday. So far they have collected 350 gifts, (including ours) and in hopes to reach their goal in the next few days. The director told us that unfortunately, the general public often disappoints to give. So they are so grateful how much Angel Ryan has helped them.
Our holiday traditions in Ryan’s physical absence have been bittersweet. While we ensure Matthew celebrates his birthday with a splash, we spend our remaining energy in collecting gifts to remember Ryan. Matthew learns that the holidays are about giving love to those we care about. The 3 of us spent last Sunday at Ryan’s resting place planting poinsettias, raking leaves, decorating. Matthew was eager to help in whatever task to keep his brother’s place tidy. He held the incense, bowed three times and said, “I miss you, Ryan and I love you.” We sang happy birthday and released blue, green balloons and watched them disappear into the sky. Matthew saw me cried and hugged my legs. I told him that I miss Ryan and it was okay to cry because crying makes me feel better afterwards. I told him how lucky I am to have him and I love him. My little boy understands.
Through your generosity, you have touched our hearts, Ryan’s spirits and the joy of many children. You also have taught Matthew compassion. You have taught us the spirit of the holiday. Thank you for giving.
We want to thank you for taking time out of your busy holidays to participate in the Angel Ryan Project. With your generous donations, we collected 216 gifts in two weeks. Matthew, John and I delivered 90 plus presents and 125 Target gift cards to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club today. The club will hold a party for 600 plus children this Friday. So far they have collected 350 gifts, (including ours) and in hopes to reach their goal in the next few days. The director told us that unfortunately, the general public often disappoints to give. So they are so grateful how much Angel Ryan has helped them.
Our holiday traditions in Ryan’s physical absence have been bittersweet. While we ensure Matthew celebrates his birthday with a splash, we spend our remaining energy in collecting gifts to remember Ryan. Matthew learns that the holidays are about giving love to those we care about. The 3 of us spent last Sunday at Ryan’s resting place planting poinsettias, raking leaves, decorating. Matthew was eager to help in whatever task to keep his brother’s place tidy. He held the incense, bowed three times and said, “I miss you, Ryan and I love you.” We sang happy birthday and released blue, green balloons and watched them disappear into the sky. Matthew saw me cried and hugged my legs. I told him that I miss Ryan and it was okay to cry because crying makes me feel better afterwards. I told him how lucky I am to have him and I love him. My little boy understands.
Through your generosity, you have touched our hearts, Ryan’s spirits and the joy of many children. You also have taught Matthew compassion. You have taught us the spirit of the holiday. Thank you for giving.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Request
We are in Washington DC spending Thanksgiving with John’s family. It is our first in two years. For Christmas, we decided that we would spend Christmaswith my sister and my brother in law in Hong Kong.
The holidays are extremely delicate period for us. We try to plan in advance to ensure we feel some peace during a vulnerable time. This year will be our third holidays in Ryan’s absence. Although we have learned to adapt to our new lives, we miss our boy and wonder how he would have blossomed now. Come the boys’ 5th birthday on December 15th, the time we have spent without Ryan will be longer than the time we had him.
Ryan has given John and I a gift – the gift of living in the presence and the gift of gratefulness. We no longer need to search for what we don’t have, what will make us happier. Ryan has reminded us that we should only be happy now and be grateful of what we have now because in a blink we can lose what we should have treasured. Of course we live with a hint of sadness that represents our loss of Ryan.
Through living in the presence, we enjoy and live so authentically through Matthew. Matthew is a delight. He often tells me that, “Mama, this is my choice.” And I told myself, “Good for him.” Our little boy who used to follow the shadow of Ryan has broken out of his shell and has blossomed into a confident little boy.
As the boys’5th birthday is approaching, we will organize our third annual Angel Ryan Project. We hope you can continue to support us to donate gifts in Ryan’s honor. Matthew and I will go shopping on December 5th….He understands that we are shopping for the children who are less fortunate and each gift
purchased is used to remember Ryan. Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid-Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on December 8th.
Last year, we collected 150 gifts in 7 days. I hope we can collect the same if not more. Please take a moment to celebrate Ryan’s life with us. We hope you can help us make a difference during this holiday in Ryan’s honor.
The holidays are extremely delicate period for us. We try to plan in advance to ensure we feel some peace during a vulnerable time. This year will be our third holidays in Ryan’s absence. Although we have learned to adapt to our new lives, we miss our boy and wonder how he would have blossomed now. Come the boys’ 5th birthday on December 15th, the time we have spent without Ryan will be longer than the time we had him.
Ryan has given John and I a gift – the gift of living in the presence and the gift of gratefulness. We no longer need to search for what we don’t have, what will make us happier. Ryan has reminded us that we should only be happy now and be grateful of what we have now because in a blink we can lose what we should have treasured. Of course we live with a hint of sadness that represents our loss of Ryan.
Through living in the presence, we enjoy and live so authentically through Matthew. Matthew is a delight. He often tells me that, “Mama, this is my choice.” And I told myself, “Good for him.” Our little boy who used to follow the shadow of Ryan has broken out of his shell and has blossomed into a confident little boy.
As the boys’5th birthday is approaching, we will organize our third annual Angel Ryan Project. We hope you can continue to support us to donate gifts in Ryan’s honor. Matthew and I will go shopping on December 5th….He understands that we are shopping for the children who are less fortunate and each gift
purchased is used to remember Ryan. Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid-Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on December 8th.
Last year, we collected 150 gifts in 7 days. I hope we can collect the same if not more. Please take a moment to celebrate Ryan’s life with us. We hope you can help us make a difference during this holiday in Ryan’s honor.
Feeling Vulnerable
There is always the fear that people are less anxious about remembering and supporting. I drove myself crazy today because I sent out the email last week for the Angel Ryan Project and didn't hear much response.... until today people were responding about supporting.
There is always that fear that people are so busy with their lives and can no longer take the time to honorRyan. It is just so emotional. I cried a lot today but feel better now. Kind of silly but because it is so personal. Sometimes, I wonder if it is easy just to hide and hibernate. When I reach out, I have to risk for potential disappointment but I guess at the end, this method is more helpful in my healing and honoring Ryan.
Reality is memories fade...Ryan just becomes old news...I really just need to learn to deal with that. He is my little boy. I really feel I need to hibernate for a while.
There is always that fear that people are so busy with their lives and can no longer take the time to honorRyan. It is just so emotional. I cried a lot today but feel better now. Kind of silly but because it is so personal. Sometimes, I wonder if it is easy just to hide and hibernate. When I reach out, I have to risk for potential disappointment but I guess at the end, this method is more helpful in my healing and honoring Ryan.
Reality is memories fade...Ryan just becomes old news...I really just need to learn to deal with that. He is my little boy. I really feel I need to hibernate for a while.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Change is difficult
Change is difficult. We finally said our final goodbyes to our neighbors Emily and her parents last night. As we hugged, I just burst into tears. I will miss them so much. They chose to be involved in our lives during this past two years. I will miss the habit of coming home and seeing Emily across the street asking her to come over to play. It has been a constant ritual. Matthew has company and our house was filled with happy kids’ play. Emily has been the convenient void for our family and I have developed so a special bond with this little girl. I will miss watching her grow up with Matthew. The next time I would see her she will be half year older.
I don’t think anyone can relate or understand that loss that we feel. It is just not losing a neighbor who is moving away. For us, it is a loss of a special relationship and friendship that we feel so close to. These people could have chosen not to be involved in our lives but they did. We feel so safe with them and they feel the same in our emotional space. Friendships like that come rarely and we are so afraid to lose that because we value that gifted friendship.
I was reading to Matthew last night and he kept pushing the "Matthew bear" and Emily's voice comes up saying “I love you, Matthew.” I just burst into more tears.
Matthew asked, "you miss Emily?"
I said, "Yes, I will miss Emily, Auntie Lesley, and Uncle Sid."
He put the bear closeby my face and pushed the button and said, "I will make you better" and Emily's voice came up.
Matthew said, "Well, we are going to have new neighbors. They have a 8 and a 3 yr old."
I said, "Well, we don't know them and we don't know if they are nice."
Matthew, "Everybody is nice. Well, some people are nice. Some are not so nice."
I said, "Emily, Auntie Lesley and Uncle Sid care a lot about us. They are our friends. The new neighbors are not our friends."
Matthew fell asleep.
John and I looked at Emily "old" house and tonight that house is not the same...empty feeling. Tonight, our house is quiet. Hopefully, we will adjust and we just have to.
I will surely miss seeing Sid and Emily around 6pm and asking Emily to come over. I just never thought I would befriend so personally with my neighbor. I love my privacy and never want to know my neighbor!
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