5th Annual Angel Ryan Project Request

Dear Friends and Families:
Hope you are well. Somehow this has become an annual letter for us to connect with our families and friends.

Can’t believe four and a half years has gone by and this is the 5th Annual Angel Ryan Project. This year I have been feeling exhausted physically and I realized I no longer have the stamina like past years. Perhaps I should nurture myself more and skip the Angel Ryan Project. How do I find the stamina and energy to plan the 5th Annual Ryan’s Ride in the spring when I am this exhausted now?

But as I began to plan for Matthew’s 7th birthday party and the sounds of holiday music being played on the radio, I realize that I could not skip the Angel Ryan Project. It is a representation of Ryan’s spirit and an opportunity for our family to truly learn the meaning of holiday giving.

Matthew will turn 7 on December 15th. We missed celebrating with Ryan for five birthdays already. Sometimes I try to imagine a seven-year old Ryan. but I couldn’t. I cannot picture how he would have looked now. Matthew, on the other hand, has grown to be so sensible. At many times, he would parent me:
“Mom, you don’t know how I feel because my brain is not your brain.” When I told him that he was right, “Mom, I am only a kid and I know it. You are an adult.” Matthew is right. I learn to be a better person from his lecture. Three of Matthew’s favorite books are about this set of twin boys who grew up to be professional football players. I asked him why he liked these books so he said the books remind him of Ryan and him.

This year, John and I had come across several parents who had since lost a child to cancer, sudden death. I am just reminded that challenges like these just happen in life randomly. And as survivors, we have the obligation to relate to these individuals and share the darkness in their lives. How can we not be there for them when not many have walked that path to truly understand the grieving journey?

We still have not ordered a marker for Ryan. I have to think of a quote to put on the marker but I want it to be right. So the guilt continues onto 2008.

2007 has been a miracle year. Alana Sophie, my niece and daughter of my sister, was born in Sept. She was healthy and gorgeous. I flew to Hong Kong to spend 5 days with her right after her birth to share the precious moments. I held her in my hands and felt the enormous joy and hope. I questioned if others feel the immense joy that I felt of having a niece in their arms. Matthew, John and I will visit Alana during this holiday season. I told Matthew, “Alana is like a sibling to you. She is the closest to you besides Ryan.”

John has started a new venture after 12 years with Sony Playstation. We all have learned to still live life with a passion and he is working hard but enjoying the new opportunity. On 12/9th, John will celebrate his tenth anniversary of being cancer free. I am so blessed for his continued good health, his patience and love to Matthew and I. I know I am stronger because I am sharing my life with John.

Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on Wednesday, 12/12th at around 4pm. If your children are interested in helping with the delivery, please join us. I hope we can count on you to celebrate Ryan’s life with us by donating a gift or 2. The value of each gift is only about $15 and the club will mail you a tax receipt. The Club is an after school program for low-income families so gifts will be most appropriate for children between 7 to 14 years old age. They often lack gifts for the older children.

John, Matthew and I are grateful for your continued support to help us honor our little boy. You are the ones who keep this project going for our family. No words can express our gratitude to you. The delivery will be next week so please contribute to the Angel Ryan Project now and help us reach our goal to collect 200 plus gifts again.

May you find peace and joy during the holidays and be surrounded by love from those you care about.

Reflections

I have not felt the need to write in a long time. But a friend told me about her co-worker 13 months old daughter just passed away in her sleep. Her co-workers were searching for resources. I helped what I could. They are so appreciative and I feel there is still so little that anyone can do for this mother who lost her only daughter. I saw a photo of the toddler….how could she die? She looked so healthy, chubby in the photo. How is this mom going to cope the loss of her only child?
I went on our family website and started reading the eulogy that I wrote for Ryan…. My eulogy included many of the experiences I would miss to do with him…As I read the eulogy, I just realized how much I have forgotten…. I forgot that he liked me to cut his French toast into papa, mama and baby sizes. I forgot he liked ketchup with his mac’ n cheese. How could I forget so much? Was this normal for 4 years of grief? Did John forget many of the details too? I tried to give myself excuse that this is normal. Perhaps I am so in the moment of the presence, of Matthew, of my life?

4th Annual Ryan's Ride

As we experienced another year of Ryan’s Ride, I have realized how far life has changed for me. With the additional help from Misa and Carmen with the pre-planning, we were getting the planning down to near science. For me, it was the most relaxing week among the past four years leading up to the event. I have learned a quote from a friend, “Failure to plan is planning to fail”. So I tried to plan to the minute details.

We have dedicated this year’s Ride to Ryan and to Cooper Jones, whom we have never met. Cooper would have been 23 and he passed away ten years ago doing what he loved. Cooper’s parents Martha and David flew in from Spokane to help us at Ryan’s Ride. It was their way of honoring Cooper whom they missed for ten years. They celebrated their son’s anniversary watching hundreds of children doing what their son loved. Our other highlight was to have Ron from the Lance Armstrong Foundation flying in from Austin experiencing the event. Ron volunteered for the whole weekend. Ron works at LAF, a nationally established non-profit foundation but his visit endorsed LAF’s mission - survivorship. He supported us emotionally at this event making our family feel so valued to be part of the foundation we have been associated with for a decade.

Then there are many other stories… a boy riding in memory of his grandma, a two year old girl riding in memory of her identical twin sister just passed away to cancer a few months ago, a girl riding in memory of her 2 year old brother, a boy trained to have his training wheels removed for this Ride. I think as humans, we all have our stories and through these stories, we are all somehow connected….these connections are the power of the human spirits.

Each year, John and I as hosts worried about parents feeling stressed about the craze. But I told John: “The Ride is not about the parents. It is an experience to the children on the course. When I saw Matthew came across the finish with such determination, I knew I would be like many of you waking up early on a Sunday morning, packing the kids and bikes, circling around to look for parking at the event. That joy and determination of our children makes this Ride well worth the hoopla.”

As for me, watching the children riding placed me in the presence of their joy…or as Matthew’s mom, his joy. This year the focus was less about feeling Ryan’s presence but more about the presence of the children at the event. Then I feel the power of giving. If Ryan is still here, there would not have been a Ryan’s Ride planned by our family. It is truly the spirit of human survivorship, hope and giving.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was a special day. I had a great massage and I went to baby shower of a mom in my twins playgroup. It was a shower made by a labor of love. And the 10 of us all enjoyed spending the day before Mother’s day with a wonderful group of mothers. These 9 moms gave each other support and shared the joy through the ups and downs. We all want to make it a tradition to have such gathering like this the day before mother day without kids in the years to come. One mom made a scrapbook for the future baby for all of us... We were supposed to include a photo of our kids but I only gave her a photo of Matthew and I. Another mom said she was surprised that I didn’t include a photo of Ryan and she thinks Ryan is always part of us...

So last night I came home and looked through the photos of the boys at 2.5 yrs...Matthew spending his first xmas without Ryan...I looked at those photos and saw Matthew being so little but still with the picture perfect smile? I asked myself how did John and I have smiles for pictures back then? Six months since Ryan’s death....I felt the pain traveling down to memory lane. I think no matter what, I have to grieve for the loss of Ryan’s absence in private today. I am going to look at more photos later just to have a good cry. But I will also go to watch Matthew’s t ball and say many “I love yous” to him.

It is natural on a day like this to wonder the what-if’s and to mourn no matter how much I want to skip it...

Bill C. did an amazing fun poster for Ryan’s Ride... I was so proud of it...as if I found a great school for Matthew and I found a great art to represent Ryan. Now I am more charged to do the planning.... I think I try to find the balance to be normal, not to have the ride consume me and to learn to balance my life.

Yes, Matthew is the twinkle in my eyes everyday. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if other mothers love their child as much as I love him. I know they do.
I went on a very hilly hike with my 82 year mom and she kept up... Drove her home at night and on the way home just cried for Ryan... I still remember his goofy smile and flat feet...hair sticking up as he got hot.... Still very vivid after 4 yrs...miss him...so much especially today. Asked why did he become out of order so fast.... I had a good cry...

In anticipation of 4th Annual Ryan’s Ride – our annual letter

Our 4th annual Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 24, 2007. We are in full swing planning for this special event so personal to our family. Every year, anxiety builds up not knowing if we have the courage to ensure the level of the spirit of the event in years past. Each year around this time, the reflections of Ryan surfaces more intensely.

A couple of week ago while I was at the Burlingame Library, I saw a glimpse of the librarian who did wonderful story time for Ryan and Matthew. I wanted to go up to thank her for creating those fond memories for me….. I didn’t go up…it would have been too forward so I thanked her in my heart. After all, it has been almost four years since Ryan’s passing on July 8th and this was my first encounter with this librarian in four years.

During that week, while I was driving home, I saw Fire Truck E-27 backing up into the fire station….I tried to look for familiar faces of the fire fighters….to see if anyone of them was the one who came that night to be with our family.

Then I got an email from a stranger who emailed me the eve of the 2005 Ryan’s Ride, a very compassionate email from a girl who was 14 years old then. This young woman is now 17 years old and wants to volunteer at Ryan’s Ride. I asked her how she managed to remember two years later but she did.

Today I got an email from a mom of twin in our mothers club that her daughter of almost 2 years old passed away to cancer last Friday. Her email brought me down to memory lane. I cried for her and I cried for Ryan.

These are the fabrics woven through life that give us the reason to plan for Ryan’s Ride each year. It is like food for our souls.

Matthew who is almost six and a half and a kindergartener enjoys sports…soccer, little league, basketball and riding his bike. He has taken an extreme interest in drawing. We look at Matthew each day and see our little boy growing in front of our eyes. The joy we have in our lives is magnified because of the life challenges we have endured and survived. We feel so very blessed to have him. He reminds us of living now and to live full.

As for Ryan, his gift to us is his guiding spirit and soft presence in our hearts; always there and always giving.

John wants to share this quote:
“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”

Loving both Ryan and Matthew is our joy.

The Kindergarten Community

Matthew started kindergarten last week. Matthew and I are both anxious to meet others and build relationships and start our new community.

Today, I volunteered to help set up a back to school gathering for the teachers. I went to a mom's house as the party is held there. The PTA president introduced me and told the woman who was hosting the event that I am Ryan's Mom. She took me into her boys' room and told me how Ryan's Ride is a big part of their summer. I think she has a fourth grader and 2nd grader. She showed me the medals, race numbers hung on the bulletin boards in the boys' room right above their beds.

Her older boy wrote essay about his summer and talked about Ryan's Ride when he started his school. He learned more about the ride by checking our website...I was so touched by her gesture. It is heartwarming to see her boys' room...

In a weird way, even Ryan is not here, he is part of the community....

First day of Kindergarten

We woke up and got Matthew ready for school. We made a big sign “My first day of Kindergarten” and Matthew held the sign and took a picture. Matthew was a little nervous lining up with the other children in his class. The moment he went into his classroom, he was excited. He followed the other children to take a book and sat on the ground to read. When the teacher told the children to say goodbye to us, Matthew waved goodbye at me. He asked for a hug and we left. I was so proud of my little boy who often has had a hard time separating he has grown up in front of me today. I cannot be any more proud. I know Matthew will be so eager to learn and to make friends. If he runs into conflict, he will articulate his feelings and works it out or if not, he will ask for help….. I came home to an empty house and wonder what should I do now? Is that how most of the mothers who do not work full time feel?

Today, kindergarten was all about Matthew. There were 2 Ryan’s in his class. But our Ryan died at such a young age that I could not have imagined him coming to kindergarten with his brother. We were both in the moments of watching Matthew reaching this milestone.

I picked up Matthew at noon and he told me excitedly that he made 2 friends today. A boy kicked Matthew twice but Matthew said, “Stop doing that. It hurts when you kick me.” And the boy stopped.

Kindergarten is an adjustment for the child and for the parents. Matthew flew with such strength into the sky today and I was the proud mama bird who let him go and knowing he will be fine…… Our responsibility as parents will be to continue to provide the tools he will need to survive in a 5-year old world….

As for John, John said he had so much anxiety this past week leading up to this day. Today is a day of reflecting for him. He remembered he went to kindergarten, turned 6 and his mother died a few days after. The next year, he went to a different school to start first grade. He remembered vividly bringing home a form where he was supposed to put down his mother and father’s name. At 6, he asked who was his mother? He didn’t know which name to put down.

Our childhood modes our adulthood. As for John, his childhood trained him to achieve everything on his own without the normal parental support. He didn’t have a mother who gave him words of encouragement. At times, he said he could not understand why Matthew may get frustrated at a task. But I tried to remind him that Matthew has more tools than we do to accomplish in life.