In anticipation of 4th Annual Ryan’s Ride – our annual letter

Our 4th annual Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 24, 2007. We are in full swing planning for this special event so personal to our family. Every year, anxiety builds up not knowing if we have the courage to ensure the level of the spirit of the event in years past. Each year around this time, the reflections of Ryan surfaces more intensely.

A couple of week ago while I was at the Burlingame Library, I saw a glimpse of the librarian who did wonderful story time for Ryan and Matthew. I wanted to go up to thank her for creating those fond memories for me….. I didn’t go up…it would have been too forward so I thanked her in my heart. After all, it has been almost four years since Ryan’s passing on July 8th and this was my first encounter with this librarian in four years.

During that week, while I was driving home, I saw Fire Truck E-27 backing up into the fire station….I tried to look for familiar faces of the fire fighters….to see if anyone of them was the one who came that night to be with our family.

Then I got an email from a stranger who emailed me the eve of the 2005 Ryan’s Ride, a very compassionate email from a girl who was 14 years old then. This young woman is now 17 years old and wants to volunteer at Ryan’s Ride. I asked her how she managed to remember two years later but she did.

Today I got an email from a mom of twin in our mothers club that her daughter of almost 2 years old passed away to cancer last Friday. Her email brought me down to memory lane. I cried for her and I cried for Ryan.

These are the fabrics woven through life that give us the reason to plan for Ryan’s Ride each year. It is like food for our souls.

Matthew who is almost six and a half and a kindergartener enjoys sports…soccer, little league, basketball and riding his bike. He has taken an extreme interest in drawing. We look at Matthew each day and see our little boy growing in front of our eyes. The joy we have in our lives is magnified because of the life challenges we have endured and survived. We feel so very blessed to have him. He reminds us of living now and to live full.

As for Ryan, his gift to us is his guiding spirit and soft presence in our hearts; always there and always giving.

John wants to share this quote:
“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”

Loving both Ryan and Matthew is our joy.

The Kindergarten Community

Matthew started kindergarten last week. Matthew and I are both anxious to meet others and build relationships and start our new community.

Today, I volunteered to help set up a back to school gathering for the teachers. I went to a mom's house as the party is held there. The PTA president introduced me and told the woman who was hosting the event that I am Ryan's Mom. She took me into her boys' room and told me how Ryan's Ride is a big part of their summer. I think she has a fourth grader and 2nd grader. She showed me the medals, race numbers hung on the bulletin boards in the boys' room right above their beds.

Her older boy wrote essay about his summer and talked about Ryan's Ride when he started his school. He learned more about the ride by checking our website...I was so touched by her gesture. It is heartwarming to see her boys' room...

In a weird way, even Ryan is not here, he is part of the community....

First day of Kindergarten

We woke up and got Matthew ready for school. We made a big sign “My first day of Kindergarten” and Matthew held the sign and took a picture. Matthew was a little nervous lining up with the other children in his class. The moment he went into his classroom, he was excited. He followed the other children to take a book and sat on the ground to read. When the teacher told the children to say goodbye to us, Matthew waved goodbye at me. He asked for a hug and we left. I was so proud of my little boy who often has had a hard time separating he has grown up in front of me today. I cannot be any more proud. I know Matthew will be so eager to learn and to make friends. If he runs into conflict, he will articulate his feelings and works it out or if not, he will ask for help….. I came home to an empty house and wonder what should I do now? Is that how most of the mothers who do not work full time feel?

Today, kindergarten was all about Matthew. There were 2 Ryan’s in his class. But our Ryan died at such a young age that I could not have imagined him coming to kindergarten with his brother. We were both in the moments of watching Matthew reaching this milestone.

I picked up Matthew at noon and he told me excitedly that he made 2 friends today. A boy kicked Matthew twice but Matthew said, “Stop doing that. It hurts when you kick me.” And the boy stopped.

Kindergarten is an adjustment for the child and for the parents. Matthew flew with such strength into the sky today and I was the proud mama bird who let him go and knowing he will be fine…… Our responsibility as parents will be to continue to provide the tools he will need to survive in a 5-year old world….

As for John, John said he had so much anxiety this past week leading up to this day. Today is a day of reflecting for him. He remembered he went to kindergarten, turned 6 and his mother died a few days after. The next year, he went to a different school to start first grade. He remembered vividly bringing home a form where he was supposed to put down his mother and father’s name. At 6, he asked who was his mother? He didn’t know which name to put down.

Our childhood modes our adulthood. As for John, his childhood trained him to achieve everything on his own without the normal parental support. He didn’t have a mother who gave him words of encouragement. At times, he said he could not understand why Matthew may get frustrated at a task. But I tried to remind him that Matthew has more tools than we do to accomplish in life.

The eve before kindergarten

It is 4:30am in the morning, a few hours before Matthew’s first day of kindergarten. He woke me up. Normally, he would crawl into our bed and slept until the morning, but not this week. I decided to be strict. I have been wondering why first day of kindergarten is emotionally for so many. I told Matthew that it is going to be a big day and he needs his energy for his first day of kindergarten. Matthew nodded and told me that he loves me and to give him lots of kisses and hugs before I left.

I am awake now and it feels like the night before my wedding day. It is not a normal day… there is so much anticipation. I welled up in tears in bed and realized that Kindergarten is about “letting go”. Tonight, I feel as a mom, I am the shore and Matthew is a ship. My ship which has anchor to be ashore so much during these past 5.5 yrs will sail away. I know he will be making longer trips (away from the shore) as time goes. To be a good mother, I have to learn to let go.

Kindergarten is about receiving a set of official responsibilities. Matthew’s responsibilities are to learn to be in school on time, to learn and to get along with other children. He learns to take care of himself in my physical absence. Perhaps it is this newfound responsibility that makes kindergarten such a milestone.

Will I feel bittersweet because Ryan is not going to kindergarten? I feel Ryan has sailed away from us. Tonight, I am anticipating Matthew to sail away too. However, I know Matthew will come back ashore from time to time throughout his life. Perhaps in the midst of celebrating a milestone, each parent learns to grieve for the “loss”. In our case, that loss magnifies as a result of our ultimate loss of Ryan. This is another reminder of how I am living in the moment with my life. I look at John sleeping peacefully next to me and know that only John will be the “boy” who will be next to me in my lifetime. Our children grow up…..the essence of life, assuming we all live a long life.

I think I am ready for tomorrow….finally….

Post 3rd Annual Ryan's Ride

Dear 2006 Ryan’s Ride Parents:
Our 3rd Annual Ryan Phua Memorial Kids’ Ride, part of the 20th Annual Burlingame Criterium was a huge splash. We had 609 energetic children champions at the event and collected over $16,000 on that day. Through individual pledges and corporate sponsorships, we have so far raised over $52,000 this year and a cumulative amount of $180,000 since the inception of Ryan’s Ride three years ago. Thank you for bringing your children to be part of Ryan’s Ride.
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Many children had gotten into the spirit of raising pledges. It was extremely rewarding to see children with “shaky” handwriting summarizing their pledges on their pledge forms. The winner for each category is announced on our website. In addition, professional photographs are available for purchase. For more info, visit www.ryansride.org.

We have created a slideshow that captures the spirit of this year’s Ryan’s Ride. We hope you have a moment to watch it:
http://homepage.mac.com/johnphua/RyansRide/iMovieTheater26.html

As we anticipate Ryan’s 3rd anniversary on July 8th, I personally hope the success of Ryan’s Ride will give our family strength to acknowledge Ryan’s life purpose despite his physical absence. This time is always trying and bittersweet. Thank you again for honoring our little boy’s short life through Ryan’s Ride. I know Ryan feels like a champion watching the smiles of our 609 junior champs…..The parents’ love to their little boy never fades…..

3rd Annual Ryan's Ride Request

As Ryan’s 3rd year anniversary is approaching on July 8th, we are putting much of our energy in planning the 3rd annual Ryan’s Ride in his memory. Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 25.

Life does not always give us a choice so we learn to continue to enrich the one life we have. Life is a gift because in a moment’s time, it can evaporate.

What I am about to write is my opportunity to share with you my journey openly. My voice is honest. Three years have flown by. We have adjusted to our new journey and make the best of it. John had concluded with his support group and believed that he is now used to navigate solo. As for me, I couldn’t let go of the support. The third year in grief it seems like I have less courage. I now found every excuse not to visit Ryan’s resting place. I just couldn’t stand in front of the spot because Ryan lives inside our family everyday. He has become parts that lies within us….our breathe, our experience. I really want to protect myself by preventing myself to visit that “emotional” state – the ground zero. But yet we still find the need to travel there as this is truly where Ryan resides. When we park our emotions there, we feel pain because it hurts not to have Ryan with us no matter how long it has been. At times, I am puzzled why the courage and strength that I had in the first 2 years have depreciated. But I realized that it is my protective mechanism for survival…and to stay what we considered “normal” in society.

John has offered to purchase the “marker” on his own. That purchase will reinforce the finality of our son’s death, I assume.

Matthew is now almost five and a half. He is articulate, delightful, sensitive and expressive. He is finishing up preschool and will attend kindergarten in the fall. He loves numbers, socializing with friends, riding his bike and being silly. Matthew and John have developed an amazing bond. Matthew knows that there are many things that Dad can do more than Mom. They are pals on the weekend. I feel lucky for Matthew to have John as a father. As for me, I feel my “calm” when I know I am spending my life with John.

Ryan is very much interwoven in Matthew’s life. He brought up Ryan on his own terms so much more this year than in the past. He shares with others that he has a brother. Sometimes, he will say Ryan is his younger brother because he is only two and a half and Matthew is five. He will get up each morning spinning on his new 2 wheels set on a stationary to get ready for Ryan’s Ride.

Bill, a dear friend for the 2nd year in a row, designed the art illustration for Ryan’s Ride and incorporated Matthew in the artwork and Ryan’s shadow riding behind Matthew. His illustration solidifies and reminds me the purpose of Ryan's Ride. John and I are in awe that he could design from his heart and he is able to unlock our heartfelt emotions through his art. It is powerful as if he can speak on our behalf. What a gift of friendship. No words are enough to express our gratitude to Bill.

Our other pillars for Ryan’s Ride who volunteer year after year in an intense mode include Julie for public relation and Ivania for graphic design. On the day of the event, we hope to recruit 200 volunteers, many of whom have been so committed to help us honor Ryan. We thank you sincerely.

As we are starting our fundraising in full launch, we hope you can support us in celebrating Ryan’s life by making a donation to Ryan’s Fund at the Lance Armstrong Foundation to support cancer programs in the Bay Area. Through Ryan’s legacy, we hope the funds we raised will help many families in many big and small ways. We hope you can help to make a difference by joining us to make an impact.

Checks should be made payable to:

LAF/Ryan Phua Memorial Fund
205 De Anza Blvd, #135
San Mateo, CA 94402

For those whose children will participate in the upcoming Ryan’s Ride, we look forward to having them join Ryan’s Peloton.

Feeling Vulnerable

I feel like I am more unsure of the world right now. I want to have some control of the destiny of our lives but no matter how hard I try, I seem to fail. I want to make choices but on numerous occasions the choices are made for me. I asked John, “Why do I need to keep challenging myself that way? Should I know my limits?”

John said, “If you never challenge yourself, you will never know what you can achieve. You always want to push your limits but potentially when you push, you are bound to see potential disappointment. Or in other words, if you never try you will never know what it could be, but there is always a risk of failure when you try." With each failure, the feel of let-down magnifies and the root is Ryan’s death.