Journey

My Tuesday Playgroup

2009-07-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

Hi my Tuesday Playgroup (as how I always describe you all)....

It is 1am and I am trying to catch up after a long day at work... I just saw this email and the photos... I burst into tears because I am just so touched.... that you took the time to do this.... I so needed this...

We went to Yosemite for 3 days...majestic and grand with nature and it was a good way to spend the 8th that way with Matthew and the 3 grandparents and John. I biked and hiked and tried to in my darkest secret imagining how tall and how Ryan would have looked today at 8.5 yrs. old but I just couldn't imagine it...

John and the grandparents went to Ryan's resting place before our trip. I just couldn't go... as much as you and everyone think I am so courageous, etc... i just gave myself every excuse not to go to his resting place. I just didn't want to go because I do not have the courage to stand in front of the grave and strip down my emotions.

Six years and I am supposed to deal with it better but dealing better means I find a way to protect my feelings and not let myself to feel that deep painful wounds.

It was just wonderful to see you at the Ride, year after year whenever you can... despite in your biased opinion that it is a fun event.... John and I planned this event with such intensity and we appreciate seeing familiar faces there. Unfortunately, many folks who are new in our lives or in Matthew's lives will not understand the significance of this Ride as they have never personally met Ryan.

So... I looked at the photos....then I thought, why did the kids have blue and green balloons...then I scrolled down and then it sank in... I just didn't expect that. Thank you.... with love.

Thank you for being there for Ryan's Ride

2009-06-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

We had 667 children crossed the finish….all happy and smiling... with a few tears, of course. We heard stories on and on from children which I want to share with you all.

• “Mom, I came in 3rd but I passed many people”

• “My legs were so tired after the first lap because I started out in the back of the group and I pedaled so fast to move to the front.”

• “I came in first and I got a medal!”

• Then it was moments like a father pinning up a race number for the daughter; a parent watching the adult race with their son. It was truly a moment where families were engaging with one another.

• It was a celebration for a 5 year old to finish the whole lap on her training wheels for the first time as last year she only rode on the 200 meter dash. She was not the last one as the clown was following behind her. She struggled but was cheered by the audience as she rode toward the finish.

• An avid cyclist was beamed with joy as he saw his 8 year old being the first to cross the finish. It was a “Like Father, Like Son” moment. . It was a moment for this father to share the joy with his son of racing on a bike. The son has not stopped talking about training more so he is ready for next year’s Ryan’s Ride.

• Then, Matthew, our son and Ryan’s twin brother told me that this was his best Ryan’s Ride ever. He thought he strategically rode his best as he was coached by Jim Ochowicz while he was on riding. Jim was a two-time Olympic cyclist who also coached Lance Armstrong.

So much intensity went into the planning of the ride but at the end watching the smiles of these children champions is just priceless.

With the help of 225 volunteers, we created a safe, fun and memorable experience that these children will be remembered by for years to come.

6th Annual Ryan's Ride

2009-06-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

We are in full mode planning Ryan’s Ride, six times around. The 6th annual Ryan’s Ride is around the corner again, on Sunday, June 28, 2009.

Matthew is now a happy and social 2nd grader. He enjoys playing with friends, riding his bike, hanging out with dad and has grown fond of whatever sports he is in for that season…lacrosse, baseball and soccer. The other night he was asking me if Ryan was alive whether they would be in the same class. So I told him that they would properly be separated because public schools generally separate twins. So Matthew said they would properly play together at recess and they would get along very well as brothers and would not fight like other siblings. Wondering the what-ifs is always a reminder that our family dynamic is not a norm. Ryan, Matthew’s brother and our son weaves into our family differently than like most families but he continues to be very present in our daily lives.

Six times around, I wonder if the children riders are still going to be excited about this ride. Would the parents be willing to bring their children to the ride on an early Sunday morning? Would the volunteers be willing to help out again year after year? How many first time families participating have never learned about the reason for Ryan’s Ride? I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about the planning of the event. At times, I feel the hard work is so worth it to see the excitement of hundreds of children champions. At other times, I remind myself sadly that the Ride exists because my son died.

Ryan’s Ride is the representation of a love that a mom and dad have for the child they have lost. And through that love, it has become a community event from the wonderful commitment of dedicated volunteers, and businesses, friends and family who continue to give their time on top of their everyday responsibilities. The success of the event represents Ryan’s spirit. To many, it is just another activity to do. To us, it is so very personal. Matthew’s answer to a homework assignment: What do you think makes a good community? His answer: “Things that make a good community is by helping each other, being nice to each other and sharing.” Perhaps Ryan’s Ride gives many of us the opportunity to do just that.

This year, due to the economic downturn, we have lost a couple of significant sponsorships this year. Our goal is to raise $50,000 this year. So far, we have close to $19,000 of corporate sponsorship. We hope to raise $10,000 from pledges and we hope to bridge the remaining difference through donations from friends and families. Your donations to the Lance Armstrong Foundation have resulted in providing support, information and services to cancer survivors. Through your support, Ryan’s legacy lives on providing wonderful memories for families and their kids with the simple joys we all have of riding a bike. We are also touched by the stories we hear of other children’s own stories of riding in honor or memory of a loved one who are and have faced life challenges.

Every dollar counts. Please help what you can.

We hope to see your children pedal along with Matthew at Ryan’s Ride, 6th time around on Sunday, June 28th. Thank you again for your continued support….it truly means so much to our family.

Seasons Change People Change

2009-05-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

Our friends are like different parts on a wheelchair I am sitting in… I am on the wheelchair because I felt handicapped since Ryan's death. The wheelchair helps to keep me moving since my handicap.... But the wheelchair's parts are falling off... I am not used to losing those wheelchair parts.

Eventually, this handicapped person needs to tell herself, do not count on anyone but yourself to learn to walk again. Seasons change, people change. Ultimately, it is what is internal to keep one strong. It really has to come from within, not to rely on other sources....

You go through the darkest time with someone but eventually, they feel their ministry is complete and their life moves on. They are no longer on the same page as you. It is yet another deep sense of loss. I just have to remind myself that this is how life is. Season change, people change. Just accept that.

6th Annual Angel Ryan Project

2008-12-04T22:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Friends & Families,
Hope you are well. The holidays are approaching. This year I have been feeling guilty that I have not been reaching out to many of you. I have been in a cocoon. After all, the normal daily routines and hectic schedule keep me busy mentally each day. Living in the moment allows me to be present of the joy or current challenges.

Time passes. Knowing Ryan feels so long ago for me. He is always in my heart but as the years pass he feels more distance to me….after all, I have lost the opportunity of getting to know him as a boy or as my son for the last five and a half years. I only can remember how he was as a toddler. I can only hold on to the limited memories of my son. Instead of growing with Ryan, there are the “wonderings”. Wonder how he would be as a 2nd grader, how well he would have enjoyed soccer, basketball, baseball, etc, etc. Wonder if he and Matthew would have intense sibling rivalries.

A teenage girl wrote this to another eight-year old girl who lost her 10 year old brother to cancer. “Remember what I told you before that sometimes, if you listen hard enough, you’ll be able to hear your brother whispering to you, and if you whisper back, he can hear you too. And when he can he’ll visit you in your dreams :) Just like if he was right there with you.” Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Ryan has not been in my dreams for years and he does not whisper to me….but yet… I know he is my son and will always be….

Matthew will turn 8 on December 15th. Matthew is growing up so fast and his baby face is turning into a matured looking boy. He enjoys school, loves Star Wars, Legos and playing with friends. Matthew is the pillar on reminding us why we are so blessed to still be parents. He keeps us smiling and keeps us living. The other night, he told me that he has many friends but Ryan is still his best friend. Matthew learns of Ryan through the memories we share with him…

John ended his start up venture in the spring and now has the opportunity in spending more time with Matthew. When life gets challenging, it is easy to get into a downward spiral and we have to stay positive not to let that spiral to take us down. John is now spending this time, exploring creatively. After all, life can be a lot of worse. We count our blessings by having each other as a family and good health. A 11 year boy right before his death said, “I feel the saddest when people just give up.” We all know too well that we cannot give up but to conquer and make a lesson and meaning out of our life experience.

It is time again for us to ask for your support for the 6th Annual Angel Ryan Project. As the state of the economy is in such turmoil, we all have to be selective in our charity givings. If we can give, we need to continue to do so as those who are in needs appreciate our help even more now.

Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on Tuesday afternoon, 12/16th. If your children are interested in helping with the delivery, please join us. I hope we can count on you to celebrate Ryan’s life with us by donating a gift or 2. The value of each gift is about $15 and the club will mail you a tax receipt. You can deliver the unwrapped gifts to my house or send me a check so Matthew and I will go shopping for you on Dec. 11th. The Club is an after school program for low-income families so gifts will be most appropriate for children between 7 to 14 years old age. They often lack gifts for the older children.

Recently, I attended a seminar on “Raising Self Disciplined and Confident Kids”. Dr. Robert Brooks, the speaker encouraged us to ask ourselves these 2 questions. (1) What charity activity have we been involved in as a family? (2) Does our children see us helping others or a charity? Through your continued support to our family and the Angel Ryan Project & Ryan’s Ride, we are able to show Matthew empathy towards others in addition to honoring Ryan. No words can express our gratitude to you.

May you find peace and joy during the holidays and let’s also remember to count our blessings.

With peace and joy,
Michele

5th year Ryan's Anniversary

2008-07-08T02:58:00.000-07:00

July 8, 2008 (5th year Anniversary)
I woke up on the morning of the 7th and just felt emotional. Monday…5 yrs ago…. Our family life changed. For someone who is quite forgetful, the sequence of events that happened on the Monday of the July 7th five years ago lived very vividly on my mind. I cried a little in the morning then went to work. Five years later I know I can handle this day “better”. But to my surprise, it is just not like any other normal day. I felt more tense and emotional.

I kept myself busy watching TV. Then when I turned off the TV, it was 12:40am…. I immediately wanted to check on Matthew to make sure he was breathing. That was the time I checked on Ryan five years ago. No matter how well I have learned to navigate, today is just a day I cannot treat like the rest of the year. I will take a day off and go to the cemetery with John and the family. In the afternoon, John and I will spend a quiet moment hiking somewhere. Connecting with nature is healing to us. I cannot believe it has been five years that we lost our little boy. His brother is growing so rapidly in front of our eyes and we savor each presence with him….

It was 2:30am and I turned off the light just now and tried to go to sleep… I burst into tears… At 2am five years ago, my little boy was pronounced dead. I saw his little body on the hospital bed, not moving. I remember John told me to touch him. I was in shock. What had happened? Friends were there….and we had to call John’s parents in the East Coast and my sister in Hong Kong. I wanted answers but I couldn’t get any…. I kept writing. I did an email blast and asked for help…give me tools so I could deal with this. Help poured in and resources came. Many were in ground zero with us…

As each year has passed, fewer people remember this anniversary and it is expected as we personally also managed to navigate more effectively and become more private in our own grief. I have learned that the world continues…the world does not change for me just because of my own tragedy. It is our outlook to this world that changed. We are placed in an ocean and we have to learn to surf in the water or else we would sink, simple as that. Eventually, we realized that we became better surfers.

Then I started playing the role of supporting newly bereaved parents. It gave me a whole new perspective as watching them was like watching my old reflection. I knew all too well how they felt one month, 6 months out, 2 years out. As time goes, I also realized that people are tired of seeing me mourn and I am tired of seeing myself mourn so grief all becomes much more internal and I share it only to those who are truly there to listen. But of course, on major days such as today, there is just no easy way out. In addition, being a supporter also gave me perspectives of knowing how much energy my friends had to exert in supporting us.

The journey continues. Sometime, I wonder what do other people think when they see me as a mother with a big grin on her face…the mother who lost a son but she is smiling often…am I there to prove that the loss of a child is so easy to survive because I am smiling so big each day…Only if people know that at times obstacles also magnify our vulnerabilities.

No matter what, we all owe it to ourselves to live authentically. It is important to keep it real. Life is no fairy tale. It includes all facets of emotional elements - joy, sadness, challenged, pain. Life is not always a beautiful picture as someone who always wants to paint it. You have to go deep down to the well to feel that lowest, the pain in order to also see the beauty in life.

I now know all too well that I have to count my blessings, be in the presence as much as possible and still appreciate life. Ryan and Matthew, one son in some far away place and one son here on earth with me. I love you both.

5th Annual Ryan Phua Memorial Kids' Ride Recap

2008-07-08T02:56:00.000-07:00

July 4, 2008 (5th Annual Ryan Phua Memorial Kids’ Ride)
Ryan’s Ride came and went. (Our 5th time around). On the day of the event, I woke up at before dawn; looked at little Matthew sleeping soundly then reminded myself that Ryan’s Ride is here because my son died. I welled up in tears and pulled myself together and got ready for the day knowing that it would be a beautiful day.

Closed to 700 children showed up with their families. Last year, we rushed though putting the kids on the course because we were concerned about time and we finished the ride in record time. I felt so bad that something we planned so hard was done in a rush. So this year, I told the volunteers to stage the kids and please don’t rush through the whole process. It was beautiful as I watched and cheered each wave of kids pedaling down the road. I saw the smiles in many of them and I smiled. The smiles of these children truly brought me joy and were just priceless.

This year’s highlights: Our adorable 9-month niece Alana arrived from Hong Kong to participate in the Ride. I broke the rule and just wanted her to be a part of the personal family event. So we loaded her up in Ryan & Matthew’s Radio Flyer wagon and let her on the course too.

Then I met Lisa who is starting a branch of The Little Gym in Millbrae. Lisa’s generosity was just unbelievable to me. She offered her 2 full time employees to me to help me with the planning of Ryan’s Ride for two months.

Then there was Ines, whose determination and volunteer spirit truly shows me the meaning of kindness. She worked diligently to get lunches for our volunteers donated and offered to volunteer her time at the event along with her two sons.

Then of course, there were our friends who would be there year after year to help at Ryan’s Ride. (Daniela, Luca, Nadia, Ivania, Julie W, Doug, Junko, Yin Ping, Ron K., Ron S., Tiffany and her family, Cece, Shawna, Misa, Carmen, Carrie and her family, Michael, Mireille, Sarah, Donna & Hoa, Kelly, Lori, Joanna and her colleagues) I find this quote very appropriate: “A faithful friend is the medicine of life.” Thank you for being part of this journey with us. We truly are stronger as individuals because of your support.

Check out photos at www.ryansride.org and this slideshow created by Daniela Degrassi Photography.

Matthew lost his front teeth

2008-01-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

Matthew lost one front tooth (Jan 25th), ate a churro and shifted the tooth to the middle. Then lost the other front tooth in a pillow fight with a friend (Jan 30th).

Matthew's Emotions

2008-01-24T22:41:00.000-08:00

Our usual night….reading in bed…but tonight is not that usual. Matthew wanted to watch the Ryan’s Ride video. So I suggested that we look at some photos at our family website at phuafamily.com. We saw photos of Ryan & Matthew from 0 to 3 months, 3 to 6 months, etc. Matthew enjoyed looking at them…then he made a series of comments with his teary eyes:
“I miss Ryan. I want to jump into the computer to be with him. Then you and Daddy jump into the computer to be with him too.”
“Today at recess, I cried a little because I miss my brother.”
“See, you are creating a legacy for Ryan so you have to continue to do Ryan’s Ride. I will help you and daddy will help you.”
“I wish Ryan will come back.”
“He died in his sleep (as he now understood what I said in the video). Did he throw up? How did you find him die?”

I told him the best I could. I told him that it is okay to cry. He acknowledged that I have told him awhile ago that it was okay to cry.

I looked at him and wondered how could my little boy be so emotionally sensitive? Four and a half years later, I am just taking his lead in talking about Ryan’s death… I now question…he is now seven years old and is maturing. All I can do is to be as honest as I can and also keep telling him that I love him. I am afraid…that there will be a part of him that lives with sadness. I don’t want to see his tears in missing Ryan but I assume all this is normal for him?

Another Birthday

2008-01-07T00:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year. Today is also my birthday. We just came back from Tahoe after a week of pure ski and fun. Spending time alone as a family of 3 was intimate and necessary. We tried to make the best of it and John was a wonderful husband and father as always engaging with Matthew in the absence of a play pal. John envisioned many friends to enjoy our cabin but when none of our friends could join us for a big portion of our stay, he told me that the intimacy for our family was valuable. John just made the best of a situation. He was right. The intimacy was nice. We were truly relaxed without guests and our friends came to stay two nights during the last portion of our trip to wrap up Matthew’s excitement for the trip.

Last night, I was in a cleaning spree and organized a drawer where I stored Ryan’s memories. There were a few letters that were written by other moms about their memories of Ryan (and Matthew). I shared them with Matthew and tears just rolled down. Matthew said he wished he had Pokemon power to bring Ryan back to life. He said he had some tears at the corner of his eyes too and kept hugging me to comfort me. I rarely shed tears in front of him any more. But last night was a moment to visit the sadness with Matthew. He was so emphatic and understood. I told him that sometimes I just needed to cry to feel better and he nodded and gave me another comforting hug.

This morning, John and Matthew delivered breakfast in bed, with yellow tulips and cards. It is delightful to hear Matthew bursting the little pieces of secrets on how they were going to celebrate my birthday with me. He was so eager to know it was my birthday.

5th Annual Angel Ryan Project Recap

2008-01-01T00:22:00.000-08:00

With your kind and generous support, we collected toys and delivered them in ten days! On December 12th, Matthew and I along with our Angel Ryan helpers delivered 261 toys and gift cards and 118 books to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club. Watching the 4 to 7 years old unloading the gifts eagerly from my van brought tears to my eyes. I am so touched that through the giving spirits of these little ones, Ryan’s spirit was celebrated.

I want to thank my dear friend, Carolyn, formerly a teacher to shop with me for the 3rd year at Barnes & Noble and we purchased closed to $1,000 worth of books for the children. I want to thank those of you who personally delivered many thoughtful toys to my house and wrote checks to meet our tight deadline for our shopping spree. Thank you also to the mommies who encouraged their little ones to join us for the gift delivery.

Matthew and I shopped at Toys R Us and Target for a couple of hours. This year, at seven years old, Matthew truly understands the spirit of giving. He patiently selected toys for the boys and girls and took this responsibility seriously. I then finished my shopping alone at the Lego Store and Michael’s. In the late night shopping craze, I felt so fulfilled shopping for a cause.

During the delivery, Matthew and his little helpers took a quick tour at the Club and were introduced to the children there. Matthew told me afterwards that while taking a group photo, two boys tapped his shoulder and told Matthew, “You are awesome!”.

Matthew, John and I cannot express enough gratitude for your support to our family during these past years. I find this quote very appropriate: “A faithful friend is the medicine of life. By The Apocrypha”. We value each of your friendship and know that our lives are richer because of your friendship. May all of us continue to be present in our living and feel the life that is given to us. Sending you peace for 2008 and the years to come.

Christmas in Hong Kong

2007-12-27T03:03:00.000-08:00

The trip to Hong Kong was so very intimate for us as a family. Matthew was so very engaging with Baby Alana. Baby Alana looks like my brother in law so there is no reminder of Ryan. But while carrying her in my arms, she represents so much, an extension of hope and joy to the whole family. She is just the perfect baby, always smiling and peaceful. She is an easy baby like Ryan. Matthew surprised us all. He would rather follow my sister to the ladies lounge to wait for her to nurse Alana than to be with me. He became the great 7-year old helper to my sister in the busy mall, holding the side of the stroller. He was like that the whole trip. There was just a natural bond between Matthew and Alana that came so effortlessly. I was surprised to see him so engaging with a baby for so long and did not turn back into the selfish 7 year old. I never have seen him to play such a role with any little ones.

Watching my sister and brother in law as parents was a joy. They were so very involved, loving and calm. I am so very proud of them.

As we departed, we just realized how important it is for us to see each other more often as family. We need to make it a tradition to have family trips. My sister really missed us when we left as she knew how important family connections are after becoming a mother...no one will dote over Alana as much as we will....

As for Ryan, he is in my heart but just not front and center like before. I told John I don’t know if it was because I was out of my routine…being in a different country and feeling distracted. Or I have truly mastered to live in the joy of presence. We came home yesterday and got a call that a friend of ours just passed away to cancer in her mid-forties. She was survived by her 2 boys and husband. As much as I have learned to stay positive with my new life and realize how death is just a fact of life, I felt so angry hearing that news. I feel that as adults we can learn to deal with death of our child but I felt so angry that these 2 boys have to survive the loss of their mother and her love. That very special privileged love that I have for Matthew was taken away from these 2 boys. How fair of life is that? So I acknowledged my anger and learned to carry on….

The day before the boys' 7th year old birthday

2007-12-14T19:24:00.000-08:00

Letter to a friend remembering….

Today we squeezed in the time to go to Ryan’s resting place as we are leaving for HK tomorrow (on the boys’ bday). The place closes at 4pm and Matthew and I got there at 3:45pm. John took the day off and he went there to clean up the place before I got there. I have not gone in 6 months and thought it must need much cleaning. When I went there John already had planted the poinsettias and the mini Xmas tree so Matthew, Christian and I helped to decorate the place with a wreath, snowman and ornaments....

I stood there but no longer do tears pour out...my anger has subsided standing in front of his grave. It was a calmer feeling....I miss him but the pain is not there...just sadness. It was that pain that prevented me from wanting to stand in front of his grave all these years. Then I realized how much I have come.... I found that Ryan is buried in such a beautiful area under the big oak tree with a beautiful view and I felt a sense of calm (but slightly).

At Matthew’s birthday, this is the second year while singing happy birthday I was only focused on Matthew, not Ryan. I saw how happy Matthew was to feel so special and I didn’t want to miss that... Even if I look at the photos of the little young Matthew, I feel sad too... That youth becomes all memories now...whether Ryan is dead or Matthew has grown up. I truly feel how we need to “feel” in the presence...because eventually the “7 year old Matthew” will become a past.

His 1st grade teacher told me that Matthew talks about Ryan. Matthew answered a homework question...when do you feel sad? He answered, “when someone I know dies.”.

To live each day requires so much internal strength and we all grow as humans....I think that is truly human survivorship.

5th Annual Angel Ryan Project Request

2007-12-06T04:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends and Families:
Hope you are well. Somehow this has become an annual letter for us to connect with our families and friends.

Can’t believe four and a half years has gone by and this is the 5th Annual Angel Ryan Project. This year I have been feeling exhausted physically and I realized I no longer have the stamina like past years. Perhaps I should nurture myself more and skip the Angel Ryan Project. How do I find the stamina and energy to plan the 5th Annual Ryan’s Ride in the spring when I am this exhausted now?

But as I began to plan for Matthew’s 7th birthday party and the sounds of holiday music being played on the radio, I realize that I could not skip the Angel Ryan Project. It is a representation of Ryan’s spirit and an opportunity for our family to truly learn the meaning of holiday giving.

Matthew will turn 7 on December 15th. We missed celebrating with Ryan for five birthdays already. Sometimes I try to imagine a seven-year old Ryan. but I couldn’t. I cannot picture how he would have looked now. Matthew, on the other hand, has grown to be so sensible. At many times, he would parent me:
“Mom, you don’t know how I feel because my brain is not your brain.” When I told him that he was right, “Mom, I am only a kid and I know it. You are an adult.” Matthew is right. I learn to be a better person from his lecture. Three of Matthew’s favorite books are about this set of twin boys who grew up to be professional football players. I asked him why he liked these books so he said the books remind him of Ryan and him.

This year, John and I had come across several parents who had since lost a child to cancer, sudden death. I am just reminded that challenges like these just happen in life randomly. And as survivors, we have the obligation to relate to these individuals and share the darkness in their lives. How can we not be there for them when not many have walked that path to truly understand the grieving journey?

We still have not ordered a marker for Ryan. I have to think of a quote to put on the marker but I want it to be right. So the guilt continues onto 2008.

2007 has been a miracle year. Alana Sophie, my niece and daughter of my sister, was born in Sept. She was healthy and gorgeous. I flew to Hong Kong to spend 5 days with her right after her birth to share the precious moments. I held her in my hands and felt the enormous joy and hope. I questioned if others feel the immense joy that I felt of having a niece in their arms. Matthew, John and I will visit Alana during this holiday season. I told Matthew, “Alana is like a sibling to you. She is the closest to you besides Ryan.”

John has started a new venture after 12 years with Sony Playstation. We all have learned to still live life with a passion and he is working hard but enjoying the new opportunity. On 12/9th, John will celebrate his tenth anniversary of being cancer free. I am so blessed for his continued good health, his patience and love to Matthew and I. I know I am stronger because I am sharing my life with John.

Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on Wednesday, 12/12th at around 4pm. If your children are interested in helping with the delivery, please join us. I hope we can count on you to celebrate Ryan’s life with us by donating a gift or 2. The value of each gift is only about $15 and the club will mail you a tax receipt. The Club is an after school program for low-income families so gifts will be most appropriate for children between 7 to 14 years old age. They often lack gifts for the older children.

John, Matthew and I are grateful for your continued support to help us honor our little boy. You are the ones who keep this project going for our family. No words can express our gratitude to you. The delivery will be next week so please contribute to the Angel Ryan Project now and help us reach our goal to collect 200 plus gifts again.

May you find peace and joy during the holidays and be surrounded by love from those you care about.

Reflections

2007-10-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

I have not felt the need to write in a long time. But a friend told me about her co-worker 13 months old daughter just passed away in her sleep. Her co-workers were searching for resources. I helped what I could. They are so appreciative and I feel there is still so little that anyone can do for this mother who lost her only daughter. I saw a photo of the toddler….how could she die? She looked so healthy, chubby in the photo. How is this mom going to cope the loss of her only child?
I went on our family website and started reading the eulogy that I wrote for Ryan…. My eulogy included many of the experiences I would miss to do with him…As I read the eulogy, I just realized how much I have forgotten…. I forgot that he liked me to cut his French toast into papa, mama and baby sizes. I forgot he liked ketchup with his mac’ n cheese. How could I forget so much? Was this normal for 4 years of grief? Did John forget many of the details too? I tried to give myself excuse that this is normal. Perhaps I am so in the moment of the presence, of Matthew, of my life?

4th Annual Ryan's Ride

2007-06-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

As we experienced another year of Ryan’s Ride, I have realized how far life has changed for me. With the additional help from Misa and Carmen with the pre-planning, we were getting the planning down to near science. For me, it was the most relaxing week among the past four years leading up to the event. I have learned a quote from a friend, “Failure to plan is planning to fail”. So I tried to plan to the minute details.

We have dedicated this year’s Ride to Ryan and to Cooper Jones, whom we have never met. Cooper would have been 23 and he passed away ten years ago doing what he loved. Cooper’s parents Martha and David flew in from Spokane to help us at Ryan’s Ride. It was their way of honoring Cooper whom they missed for ten years. They celebrated their son’s anniversary watching hundreds of children doing what their son loved. Our other highlight was to have Ron from the Lance Armstrong Foundation flying in from Austin experiencing the event. Ron volunteered for the whole weekend. Ron works at LAF, a nationally established non-profit foundation but his visit endorsed LAF’s mission - survivorship. He supported us emotionally at this event making our family feel so valued to be part of the foundation we have been associated with for a decade.

Then there are many other stories… a boy riding in memory of his grandma, a two year old girl riding in memory of her identical twin sister just passed away to cancer a few months ago, a girl riding in memory of her 2 year old brother, a boy trained to have his training wheels removed for this Ride. I think as humans, we all have our stories and through these stories, we are all somehow connected….these connections are the power of the human spirits.

Each year, John and I as hosts worried about parents feeling stressed about the craze. But I told John: “The Ride is not about the parents. It is an experience to the children on the course. When I saw Matthew came across the finish with such determination, I knew I would be like many of you waking up early on a Sunday morning, packing the kids and bikes, circling around to look for parking at the event. That joy and determination of our children makes this Ride well worth the hoopla.”

As for me, watching the children riding placed me in the presence of their joy…or as Matthew’s mom, his joy. This year the focus was less about feeling Ryan’s presence but more about the presence of the children at the event. Then I feel the power of giving. If Ryan is still here, there would not have been a Ryan’s Ride planned by our family. It is truly the spirit of human survivorship, hope and giving.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a special day. I had a great massage and I went to baby shower of a mom in my twins playgroup. It was a shower made by a labor of love. And the 10 of us all enjoyed spending the day before Mother’s day with a wonderful group of mothers. These 9 moms gave each other support and shared the joy through the ups and downs. We all want to make it a tradition to have such gathering like this the day before mother day without kids in the years to come. One mom made a scrapbook for the future baby for all of us... We were supposed to include a photo of our kids but I only gave her a photo of Matthew and I. Another mom said she was surprised that I didn’t include a photo of Ryan and she thinks Ryan is always part of us...

So last night I came home and looked through the photos of the boys at 2.5 yrs...Matthew spending his first xmas without Ryan...I looked at those photos and saw Matthew being so little but still with the picture perfect smile? I asked myself how did John and I have smiles for pictures back then? Six months since Ryan’s death....I felt the pain traveling down to memory lane. I think no matter what, I have to grieve for the loss of Ryan’s absence in private today. I am going to look at more photos later just to have a good cry. But I will also go to watch Matthew’s t ball and say many “I love yous” to him.

It is natural on a day like this to wonder the what-if’s and to mourn no matter how much I want to skip it...

Bill C. did an amazing fun poster for Ryan’s Ride... I was so proud of it...as if I found a great school for Matthew and I found a great art to represent Ryan. Now I am more charged to do the planning.... I think I try to find the balance to be normal, not to have the ride consume me and to learn to balance my life.

Yes, Matthew is the twinkle in my eyes everyday. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if other mothers love their child as much as I love him. I know they do.
I went on a very hilly hike with my 82 year mom and she kept up... Drove her home at night and on the way home just cried for Ryan... I still remember his goofy smile and flat feet...hair sticking up as he got hot.... Still very vivid after 4 yrs...miss him...so much especially today. Asked why did he become out of order so fast.... I had a good cry...

In anticipation of 4th Annual Ryan’s Ride – our annual letter

2007-05-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

Our 4th annual Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 24, 2007. We are in full swing planning for this special event so personal to our family. Every year, anxiety builds up not knowing if we have the courage to ensure the level of the spirit of the event in years past. Each year around this time, the reflections of Ryan surfaces more intensely.

A couple of week ago while I was at the Burlingame Library, I saw a glimpse of the librarian who did wonderful story time for Ryan and Matthew. I wanted to go up to thank her for creating those fond memories for me….. I didn’t go up…it would have been too forward so I thanked her in my heart. After all, it has been almost four years since Ryan’s passing on July 8th and this was my first encounter with this librarian in four years.

During that week, while I was driving home, I saw Fire Truck E-27 backing up into the fire station….I tried to look for familiar faces of the fire fighters….to see if anyone of them was the one who came that night to be with our family.

Then I got an email from a stranger who emailed me the eve of the 2005 Ryan’s Ride, a very compassionate email from a girl who was 14 years old then. This young woman is now 17 years old and wants to volunteer at Ryan’s Ride. I asked her how she managed to remember two years later but she did.

Today I got an email from a mom of twin in our mothers club that her daughter of almost 2 years old passed away to cancer last Friday. Her email brought me down to memory lane. I cried for her and I cried for Ryan.

These are the fabrics woven through life that give us the reason to plan for Ryan’s Ride each year. It is like food for our souls.

Matthew who is almost six and a half and a kindergartener enjoys sports…soccer, little league, basketball and riding his bike. He has taken an extreme interest in drawing. We look at Matthew each day and see our little boy growing in front of our eyes. The joy we have in our lives is magnified because of the life challenges we have endured and survived. We feel so very blessed to have him. He reminds us of living now and to live full.

As for Ryan, his gift to us is his guiding spirit and soft presence in our hearts; always there and always giving.

John wants to share this quote:
“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”

Loving both Ryan and Matthew is our joy.

The Kindergarten Community

2006-09-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

Matthew started kindergarten last week. Matthew and I are both anxious to meet others and build relationships and start our new community.

Today, I volunteered to help set up a back to school gathering for the teachers. I went to a mom's house as the party is held there. The PTA president introduced me and told the woman who was hosting the event that I am Ryan's Mom. She took me into her boys' room and told me how Ryan's Ride is a big part of their summer. I think she has a fourth grader and 2nd grader. She showed me the medals, race numbers hung on the bulletin boards in the boys' room right above their beds.

Her older boy wrote essay about his summer and talked about Ryan's Ride when he started his school. He learned more about the ride by checking our website...I was so touched by her gesture. It is heartwarming to see her boys' room...

In a weird way, even Ryan is not here, he is part of the community....

First day of Kindergarten

2006-08-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

We woke up and got Matthew ready for school. We made a big sign “My first day of Kindergarten” and Matthew held the sign and took a picture. Matthew was a little nervous lining up with the other children in his class. The moment he went into his classroom, he was excited. He followed the other children to take a book and sat on the ground to read. When the teacher told the children to say goodbye to us, Matthew waved goodbye at me. He asked for a hug and we left. I was so proud of my little boy who often has had a hard time separating he has grown up in front of me today. I cannot be any more proud. I know Matthew will be so eager to learn and to make friends. If he runs into conflict, he will articulate his feelings and works it out or if not, he will ask for help….. I came home to an empty house and wonder what should I do now? Is that how most of the mothers who do not work full time feel?

Today, kindergarten was all about Matthew. There were 2 Ryan’s in his class. But our Ryan died at such a young age that I could not have imagined him coming to kindergarten with his brother. We were both in the moments of watching Matthew reaching this milestone.

I picked up Matthew at noon and he told me excitedly that he made 2 friends today. A boy kicked Matthew twice but Matthew said, “Stop doing that. It hurts when you kick me.” And the boy stopped.

Kindergarten is an adjustment for the child and for the parents. Matthew flew with such strength into the sky today and I was the proud mama bird who let him go and knowing he will be fine…… Our responsibility as parents will be to continue to provide the tools he will need to survive in a 5-year old world….

As for John, John said he had so much anxiety this past week leading up to this day. Today is a day of reflecting for him. He remembered he went to kindergarten, turned 6 and his mother died a few days after. The next year, he went to a different school to start first grade. He remembered vividly bringing home a form where he was supposed to put down his mother and father’s name. At 6, he asked who was his mother? He didn’t know which name to put down.

Our childhood modes our adulthood. As for John, his childhood trained him to achieve everything on his own without the normal parental support. He didn’t have a mother who gave him words of encouragement. At times, he said he could not understand why Matthew may get frustrated at a task. But I tried to remind him that Matthew has more tools than we do to accomplish in life.

The eve before kindergarten

2006-08-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

It is 4:30am in the morning, a few hours before Matthew’s first day of kindergarten. He woke me up. Normally, he would crawl into our bed and slept until the morning, but not this week. I decided to be strict. I have been wondering why first day of kindergarten is emotionally for so many. I told Matthew that it is going to be a big day and he needs his energy for his first day of kindergarten. Matthew nodded and told me that he loves me and to give him lots of kisses and hugs before I left.

I am awake now and it feels like the night before my wedding day. It is not a normal day… there is so much anticipation. I welled up in tears in bed and realized that Kindergarten is about “letting go”. Tonight, I feel as a mom, I am the shore and Matthew is a ship. My ship which has anchor to be ashore so much during these past 5.5 yrs will sail away. I know he will be making longer trips (away from the shore) as time goes. To be a good mother, I have to learn to let go.

Kindergarten is about receiving a set of official responsibilities. Matthew’s responsibilities are to learn to be in school on time, to learn and to get along with other children. He learns to take care of himself in my physical absence. Perhaps it is this newfound responsibility that makes kindergarten such a milestone.

Will I feel bittersweet because Ryan is not going to kindergarten? I feel Ryan has sailed away from us. Tonight, I am anticipating Matthew to sail away too. However, I know Matthew will come back ashore from time to time throughout his life. Perhaps in the midst of celebrating a milestone, each parent learns to grieve for the “loss”. In our case, that loss magnifies as a result of our ultimate loss of Ryan. This is another reminder of how I am living in the moment with my life. I look at John sleeping peacefully next to me and know that only John will be the “boy” who will be next to me in my lifetime. Our children grow up…..the essence of life, assuming we all live a long life.

I think I am ready for tomorrow….finally….

Post 3rd Annual Ryan's Ride

2006-06-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

Dear 2006 Ryan’s Ride Parents:
Our 3rd Annual Ryan Phua Memorial Kids’ Ride, part of the 20th Annual Burlingame Criterium was a huge splash. We had 609 energetic children champions at the event and collected over $16,000 on that day. Through individual pledges and corporate sponsorships, we have so far raised over $52,000 this year and a cumulative amount of $180,000 since the inception of Ryan’s Ride three years ago. Thank you for bringing your children to be part of Ryan’s Ride.
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Many children had gotten into the spirit of raising pledges. It was extremely rewarding to see children with “shaky” handwriting summarizing their pledges on their pledge forms. The winner for each category is announced on our website. In addition, professional photographs are available for purchase. For more info, visit www.ryansride.org.

We have created a slideshow that captures the spirit of this year’s Ryan’s Ride. We hope you have a moment to watch it:
http://homepage.mac.com/johnphua/RyansRide/iMovieTheater26.html

As we anticipate Ryan’s 3rd anniversary on July 8th, I personally hope the success of Ryan’s Ride will give our family strength to acknowledge Ryan’s life purpose despite his physical absence. This time is always trying and bittersweet. Thank you again for honoring our little boy’s short life through Ryan’s Ride. I know Ryan feels like a champion watching the smiles of our 609 junior champs…..The parents’ love to their little boy never fades…..

3rd Annual Ryan's Ride Request

2006-06-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

As Ryan’s 3rd year anniversary is approaching on July 8th, we are putting much of our energy in planning the 3rd annual Ryan’s Ride in his memory. Ryan’s Ride will be on Sunday, June 25.

Life does not always give us a choice so we learn to continue to enrich the one life we have. Life is a gift because in a moment’s time, it can evaporate.

What I am about to write is my opportunity to share with you my journey openly. My voice is honest. Three years have flown by. We have adjusted to our new journey and make the best of it. John had concluded with his support group and believed that he is now used to navigate solo. As for me, I couldn’t let go of the support. The third year in grief it seems like I have less courage. I now found every excuse not to visit Ryan’s resting place. I just couldn’t stand in front of the spot because Ryan lives inside our family everyday. He has become parts that lies within us….our breathe, our experience. I really want to protect myself by preventing myself to visit that “emotional” state – the ground zero. But yet we still find the need to travel there as this is truly where Ryan resides. When we park our emotions there, we feel pain because it hurts not to have Ryan with us no matter how long it has been. At times, I am puzzled why the courage and strength that I had in the first 2 years have depreciated. But I realized that it is my protective mechanism for survival…and to stay what we considered “normal” in society.

John has offered to purchase the “marker” on his own. That purchase will reinforce the finality of our son’s death, I assume.

Matthew is now almost five and a half. He is articulate, delightful, sensitive and expressive. He is finishing up preschool and will attend kindergarten in the fall. He loves numbers, socializing with friends, riding his bike and being silly. Matthew and John have developed an amazing bond. Matthew knows that there are many things that Dad can do more than Mom. They are pals on the weekend. I feel lucky for Matthew to have John as a father. As for me, I feel my “calm” when I know I am spending my life with John.

Ryan is very much interwoven in Matthew’s life. He brought up Ryan on his own terms so much more this year than in the past. He shares with others that he has a brother. Sometimes, he will say Ryan is his younger brother because he is only two and a half and Matthew is five. He will get up each morning spinning on his new 2 wheels set on a stationary to get ready for Ryan’s Ride.

Bill, a dear friend for the 2nd year in a row, designed the art illustration for Ryan’s Ride and incorporated Matthew in the artwork and Ryan’s shadow riding behind Matthew. His illustration solidifies and reminds me the purpose of Ryan's Ride. John and I are in awe that he could design from his heart and he is able to unlock our heartfelt emotions through his art. It is powerful as if he can speak on our behalf. What a gift of friendship. No words are enough to express our gratitude to Bill.

Our other pillars for Ryan’s Ride who volunteer year after year in an intense mode include Julie for public relation and Ivania for graphic design. On the day of the event, we hope to recruit 200 volunteers, many of whom have been so committed to help us honor Ryan. We thank you sincerely.

As we are starting our fundraising in full launch, we hope you can support us in celebrating Ryan’s life by making a donation to Ryan’s Fund at the Lance Armstrong Foundation to support cancer programs in the Bay Area. Through Ryan’s legacy, we hope the funds we raised will help many families in many big and small ways. We hope you can help to make a difference by joining us to make an impact.

Checks should be made payable to:

LAF/Ryan Phua Memorial Fund
205 De Anza Blvd, #135
San Mateo, CA 94402

For those whose children will participate in the upcoming Ryan’s Ride, we look forward to having them join Ryan’s Peloton.

Feeling Vulnerable

2006-04-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am more unsure of the world right now. I want to have some control of the destiny of our lives but no matter how hard I try, I seem to fail. I want to make choices but on numerous occasions the choices are made for me. I asked John, “Why do I need to keep challenging myself that way? Should I know my limits?”

John said, “If you never challenge yourself, you will never know what you can achieve. You always want to push your limits but potentially when you push, you are bound to see potential disappointment. Or in other words, if you never try you will never know what it could be, but there is always a risk of failure when you try." With each failure, the feel of let-down magnifies and the root is Ryan’s death.

Life of a Bereaved

2006-03-23T05:25:00.000-08:00

Life…everyone has a different level of difficulty in how they venture their life journey. One person may get pregnant by accident in her late 40’s while another is trying her many rounds of IVF cycles hoping to have her own first child. Some people try so hard to accomplish what they want in life and fail while others don’t try as hard and they are presented with the same opportunities without even appreciating it. Someone’s life is so blissful while others are presented by challenges one after another.

Those who are bereaved….when they are faced with another loss in their lives while heading back to be a “normal” citizen, the loss magnifies and intensifies and the most inner vulnerability becomes so exposed. The wound re-opens and becomes deep. Others do not understand the intensity of that loss other than those bereaved. It takes so much energy to be part of the normal society yet the true real normalcy would be behind the close doors of a support group for those who are bereaved. It is a hard concept to grasp unless someone walks through that path. After all, if you have never been taught this foreign language, how can you communicate in that language?

The Grief Burst

2006-01-30T05:26:00.000-08:00

I have not felt the need to write for a while but today I want to capture a moment of this journey. We were in the support group and as the new year arrived, John and I decided that it is the right moment to close out of this support group so we can allow others on the wait list to join.

As the meeting started and as I shared Ryan’s story and our lives with an incoming new parent, my feelings exploded. I couldn’t control my extreme sadness as I described my journey through the loss of Ryan. It was like a volcano erupting. John after two and half years felt he had allowed his grief to reach the deepest pit that now he could come out of the pit and perform like a normal citizen. He was like a walking dead for two years and now out of that pit.

As for me, he said I had been grieving by keeping myself busy with projects, I did not reach that pit as deep as he did or was I ever in the pit? When I was least expecting it, that “burst” surfaced out from that pit uncontrollably. I didn’t know I had it in me. It is just a reminder that I need to stay with the group to process those emotions that I have managed to cover with layers of blankets.

As I was telling the story, I realized I started losing memories of the details. I would be the first to admit that I am someone who is born with a weak memory bank.

But I told John that I still have vivid memories of my touch with Ryan….the many nights when he was ill and he couldn’t sleep. I would let him lay his head on my shoulder. I would pace around the room and humming this one lullaby that I don’t even know the name of. I would feel his hair sticking up because he was too warm. I would feel his little chubby hands which fingers would be so straightened as he stretched himself. I would feel those chubby flat little feet. I remember the size of his little body. I remember how proud I felt to be his mother….a little boy who had enormous confidence and layback attitude. I remember how calm and peaceful I was whenever I was alone with him during the nights. I remember telling myself how handsome of a man he would grow up to be despite having a less attractive baby face than Matthew. I was ready to tell the world…here is my handsome and confident son. I knew he would grow up to have that internal confidence that other teens may lack. I just believed Ryan was born with that confidence. No matter how forgetful I can be, perhaps a mother will never forget her son….

My Birthday

2006-01-06T05:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas and the holidays came and gone. We went to Washington DC to spend Thanksgiving with John’s family. Our traditions were to bring the boys back for xmas but we couldn’t so we chose what we thought was a gentler holiday to give Matthew an opportunity to spend with a large extended family. In the Asian culture or at least in that gathering, we just pretended we were fine when asked. Nobody really tried to ask you how we really were or how we were coping. It is just not in the culture. So even though we had not seen these relatives in 2.5 years, everyone just focused on Matthew without any mention of Ryan as if he never existed. So it was extremely difficult for us to put on a face that we never could have been happier. All in all, we saw the joy of Matthew and it was very special for him to spend time with so many people. After all, that is what the holidays are about. Now we have done our first, I know we can do future holiday gatherings.

We went to Hong Kong to spend Christmas with my sister and brother in law. We kept ourselves busy by shopping and spending money. Being in a foreign land made us cope with the holidays easier. We all focused on Matthew and he brought all the adults so much joy. He reminded us what living is.

Today is my 41st birthday. John was in Vegas this week and returned late. I got a phone call from the radiologist after doing a mammogram at the beginning of the week. They asked me to do another ultrasound as they want to do a follow up on the mammogram. For a moment, I felt vulnerable. What other challenges can be presented to John and I? John was more nervous than I was. John has reinvented himself so differently. The year when I first met John, he received a birthday card from his fraternity brother. The card showed a boy sitting on the sidewalk fishing in a puddle and he caught a fish. That was John’s attitude. Now, he said our hope is to return to some kind of normalcy after our tragic loss of Ryan. We are so just sensitive to our environments.

As for me, I was afraid….my mind travels….I feel a sense of responsibility to Matthew. I need to be well and alive to care for my child. That is my priority. As much as I am not supposed to worry until I have to, I will still travel to that dark moment.

While in the office, I heard a CD played from my co-worker’s office. It was a CD that I was playing a lot right after Ryan’s death. In the CD was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sang in Hawaiian style. My co-worker never had played any music from her office let alone this CD of the 3.5 years that I had consulted there.

At the end of the day, I often wondered if Ryan was trying to send me signs to remind me that it is not as important to reflect on the past but to be in the present and the future. He is trying to teach me about how I should live my life. On his 2nd anniversary while we were driving to Auburn for a getaway, a mother called me to ask me when and if I was going to have a Ryan’s Ride in San Francisco because her children asked about the event often. I just have to believe that it was a sign from Ryan to give me strength.

I kept my birthday low key. I worked and came home to my loving child who spent all night long wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loves me. How can I not count my blessings? That is the best gift of all on my very special day.

Matthew's 5 year old Birthday

2005-12-15T05:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, at 3am, Matthew vomited; again at 9am and again at 3pm. He has the stomach flu and is his first illness for this season.

At one year birthday, Matthew had a fever. At the 2nd year birthday, it was Ryan’s turn to get sick. At the 3rd birthday at Disney: Matt had a fever at 3am and was fine next day. At the 4th bday at Disney, he vomited and fine the next day and now.

I think it is Ryan's sign to tell me to focus on Matthew. I was planning to go to work but instead we stayed at home: played games, watched TV, cuddled and napped with Matthew. It was nice but broke my heart to hear him said his tummy hurt. Also, I think I saw 3 sets of twin boys of the 2 hours I was out to see the doc....

I was so focused on Matthew today that I couldn’t focus on Ryan as much. I lit a candle for him.

There aren’t tears shed today much because the tears were all dried up since the start of Halloween. The anticipation was much more difficult. Matthew reminded me that I needed to focus on him. Today will be the first day where our time with Ryan is shorter than our time without him. It breaks our hearts….

My dear friend wrote this and really hit the spot:
“Happy birthday Ryan…thinking of you today and what a handsome young man you would be at the age of 5! I know you would you be as sweet as your brother with love and laughter in your eyes. We all miss you and love you and cherish the short time you were here. I believe you are with us each day though, keeping us safe. Happy birthday big boy!”

3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Recap

2005-12-03T05:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,
We want to thank you for taking time out of your busy holidays to participate in the Angel Ryan Project. With your generous donations, we collected 216 gifts in two weeks. Matthew, John and I delivered 90 plus presents and 125 Target gift cards to the Mid Peninsula Boys & Girls Club today. The club will hold a party for 600 plus children this Friday. So far they have collected 350 gifts, (including ours) and in hopes to reach their goal in the next few days. The director told us that unfortunately, the general public often disappoints to give. So they are so grateful how much Angel Ryan has helped them.

Our holiday traditions in Ryan’s physical absence have been bittersweet. While we ensure Matthew celebrates his birthday with a splash, we spend our remaining energy in collecting gifts to remember Ryan. Matthew learns that the holidays are about giving love to those we care about. The 3 of us spent last Sunday at Ryan’s resting place planting poinsettias, raking leaves, decorating. Matthew was eager to help in whatever task to keep his brother’s place tidy. He held the incense, bowed three times and said, “I miss you, Ryan and I love you.” We sang happy birthday and released blue, green balloons and watched them disappear into the sky. Matthew saw me cried and hugged my legs. I told him that I miss Ryan and it was okay to cry because crying makes me feel better afterwards. I told him how lucky I am to have him and I love him. My little boy understands.

Through your generosity, you have touched our hearts, Ryan’s spirits and the joy of many children. You also have taught Matthew compassion. You have taught us the spirit of the holiday. Thank you for giving.

3rd Annual Angel Ryan Project Request

2005-11-30T05:37:00.000-08:00

We are in Washington DC spending Thanksgiving with John’s family. It is our first in two years. For Christmas, we decided that we would spend Christmaswith my sister and my brother in law in Hong Kong.

The holidays are extremely delicate period for us. We try to plan in advance to ensure we feel some peace during a vulnerable time. This year will be our third holidays in Ryan’s absence. Although we have learned to adapt to our new lives, we miss our boy and wonder how he would have blossomed now. Come the boys’ 5th birthday on December 15th, the time we have spent without Ryan will be longer than the time we had him.

Ryan has given John and I a gift – the gift of living in the presence and the gift of gratefulness. We no longer need to search for what we don’t have, what will make us happier. Ryan has reminded us that we should only be happy now and be grateful of what we have now because in a blink we can lose what we should have treasured. Of course we live with a hint of sadness that represents our loss of Ryan.

Through living in the presence, we enjoy and live so authentically through Matthew. Matthew is a delight. He often tells me that, “Mama, this is my choice.” And I told myself, “Good for him.” Our little boy who used to follow the shadow of Ryan has broken out of his shell and has blossomed into a confident little boy.

As the boys’5th birthday is approaching, we will organize our third annual Angel Ryan Project. We hope you can continue to support us to donate gifts in Ryan’s honor. Matthew and I will go shopping on December 5th….He understands that we are shopping for the children who are less fortunate and each gift
purchased is used to remember Ryan. Matthew and I will deliver the gifts to the Mid-Peninsula Boys & Girls Club on December 8th.

Last year, we collected 150 gifts in 7 days. I hope we can collect the same if not more. Please take a moment to celebrate Ryan’s life with us. We hope you can help us make a difference during this holiday in Ryan’s honor.

Feeling Vulnerable

2005-11-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

There is always the fear that people are less anxious about remembering and supporting. I drove myself crazy today because I sent out the email last week for the Angel Ryan Project and didn't hear much response.... until today people were responding about supporting.

There is always that fear that people are so busy with their lives and can no longer take the time to honorRyan. It is just so emotional. I cried a lot today but feel better now. Kind of silly but because it is so personal. Sometimes, I wonder if it is easy just to hide and hibernate. When I reach out, I have to risk for potential disappointment but I guess at the end, this method is more helpful in my healing and honoring Ryan.

Reality is memories fade...Ryan just becomes old news...I really just need to learn to deal with that. He is my little boy. I really feel I need to hibernate for a while.

Change is difficult

2005-11-10T05:41:00.000-08:00

Change is difficult. We finally said our final goodbyes to our neighbors Emily and her parents last night. As we hugged, I just burst into tears. I will miss them so much. They chose to be involved in our lives during this past two years. I will miss the habit of coming home and seeing Emily across the street asking her to come over to play. It has been a constant ritual. Matthew has company and our house was filled with happy kids’ play. Emily has been the convenient void for our family and I have developed so a special bond with this little girl. I will miss watching her grow up with Matthew. The next time I would see her she will be half year older.

I don’t think anyone can relate or understand that loss that we feel. It is just not losing a neighbor who is moving away. For us, it is a loss of a special relationship and friendship that we feel so close to. These people could have chosen not to be involved in our lives but they did. We feel so safe with them and they feel the same in our emotional space. Friendships like that come rarely and we are so afraid to lose that because we value that gifted friendship.

I was reading to Matthew last night and he kept pushing the "Matthew bear" and Emily's voice comes up saying “I love you, Matthew.” I just burst into more tears.

Matthew asked, "you miss Emily?"
I said, "Yes, I will miss Emily, Auntie Lesley, and Uncle Sid."
He put the bear closeby my face and pushed the button and said, "I will make you better" and Emily's voice came up.
Matthew said, "Well, we are going to have new neighbors. They have a 8 and a 3 yr old."
I said, "Well, we don't know them and we don't know if they are nice."
Matthew, "Everybody is nice. Well, some people are nice. Some are not so nice."
I said, "Emily, Auntie Lesley and Uncle Sid care a lot about us. They are our friends. The new neighbors are not our friends."
Matthew fell asleep.

John and I looked at Emily "old" house and tonight that house is not the same...empty feeling. Tonight, our house is quiet. Hopefully, we will adjust and we just have to.

I will surely miss seeing Sid and Emily around 6pm and asking Emily to come over. I just never thought I would befriend so personally with my neighbor. I love my privacy and never want to know my neighbor!

Halloween - bittersweet

2005-10-31T05:43:00.000-08:00

Halloween, I think it is still my favorite holiday for a child. I want Matthew to have a fulfilling fun Halloween holiday despite of our experience. For the past 2 weekends, we went to various Halloween carnivals, parties to really savor the Halloween spirit. We carved pumpkins and talked about the anticipation of Halloween. Matthew chose his costume to be Darth Vader. He was concerned about wearing the mask not to intimidate children younger than him. He hesitated to be Darth Vader after his friends told him that Darth Vader is a bad guy. Our little boy is growing up.

In order to ensure that we are going to feel “safe” on Halloween, we brainstorm all the possibilities on whom we want to join for trick or treating. Matthew has many friends but there are a few parents whom both John and I are also comfortable with in spending this holiday when it is a very sensitive period for us. We just couldn’t anticipate. So for the unknowns, we ended up putting a lot of efforts planning to ensure that we can be “safe”. What is “safe”? If we have a grief burst, an emotional letdown, these friends allow us to express those feelings freely.

Tonight was a disappointment in my planning because I let myself down. The friends that we decided to spend trick or treating with wanted to spend time with us except we didn’t know that they already had made plans to meet up with their friends. We didn’t know that there would be more people involved until the night. At the last minute, we decided that we didn’t want to join them because we want to protect ourselves not knowing how their friends were like. Should we have been notified by our friends about having other companies, we would have anticipate otherwise.

Matthew ended up going trick or treating with our neighbor who will be leaving the neighborhood in 10 more days. They had a great experience getting candies and it was such a delight for us as parents to absorb all those special moments.

At bedtime, while I was reading to Matthew, I burst into tears. The tears were long overdue. I let out all my emotions.

Matthew asked me, “Why are you sad?”
I answered, “Mama misses Ryan.”
Matthew said, “I miss Ryan too. He is my brother. He is 2 and then he will be 3 then 4. I will be 5. So I am his brother. I will be nice to him.”
I answered, “Matthew, you were always so nice to Ryan. You took such good care of him.”
Matthew said, “Do you want a hug or a kiss or both?”
I said, “Both.”
Matthew leaned over, kissed and hugged me, asked ,”Do you feel better now?”
I nodded in tears, “Matthew, Mama loves you so much and so happy to have you.”
Matthew said, “I love you too, Mama.” and went to sleep.

You know what the cry was for? It travels back to our deepest emotions and loss. If Ryan is still alive, the boys would have company to do trick or treating together and I would never need to brainstorm whom Matthew can spend Halloween with. What if Ryan is around? Thoughts like that made John and I feel so vulnerable. We lost Ryan. We lost the pillar in our family to make our love complete. That loss challenges us each day and most sensitive during a day like today. This loss and holiday experience is so foreign to those who aren’t bereaved. Eventually, the world continues to turn and nobody can really understand the feelings of those bereaved . John and I just need to adjust and conform to the world.